Get to class a few minutes early so I can snag my spot in the back of the room. Two attractive middle age brunettes come in weighing maybe, 75 pounds between the two of them total. Each one is the size of one of my thighs. One is experienced at Zumba, she get on the row in front of me, one is a newbie, she gets the spot right next to me. I try not to eavesdrop but they’re talking over me, so it’s kinda hard not to. They’re talking about what they last ate, which sounded like it was February. A chocolate crisp, and a bit of salsa in some lettuce. My mom wouldn’t let me have pets, but after years of nagging, I got one of those one inch turtles, which they brought to mind cause that’s what he ate, cept he got a little hamburger instead of the salsa. Then they included the woman to my right, who thankfully looked like she had eaten within the last week. The more experienced Zumba brunette started talking about the importance of Zumba shoes, because running shoes or sneakers are designed for forward movement and Zumba, or dance or tennis shoes are designed for lateral movement and therefore better for your knees. This discussion went on for awhile, occasionally glancing at me, as if to draw me Into their conversation about the various shapes on the bottom of one’s footwear. Not taking the bait, she finally asked what was on the bottom of my footwear. “Honey”, I said, “if I had jetpacks on the bottom of my shoes, it wouldn’t make a difference in this class .
Class begins. Min 0-10. Wow. This is actually harder than last week. Which was harder than the week before. Can this actually just get worse and worse? Is Zumba some arcane Latino slang word for marriage? I flash back to when @tanya Altagracia told me Laddaga was slang in Puerto Rican for “female short penis.” If this is another cruel linguistic joke, I wanna find out early. At least I still have oxygen in my body.
Min 15. Oxygen all gone. I have entered a dissociative state.
Min 20. I realize I am developmentally unable to move my arms and legs at the same time.
Min 25. The 75 pound newbie next to me looks pretty graceful for a newbie and has not broken a sweat. I may stab her in the parking lot on the way out.
Min 31. Only half way. Thank god I got on amazon.com and bought one of those defibrillators you see in the airports now. I can hardly wait to go home and shock my heart.
Min 38 I no longer fear death. By any manner,method or disease.
Min 45. The 75 lb newbie has STILL not broken a sweat. I on the other hand am standing in a puddle of perspiration like I have pissed myself, have drenched my polo shirt like there’s a garden hose under my polo short and have wound out my handkerchief three time on my polo shirt. I am definitely stabbing her in the parking lot.
Min 55. It’s the cool down song. I have lost time-and have no recollection of those 10 minutes like alien abductees report. Maybe they just went to a Zumba class.
“I am the walrus. Goo goo g’joob”
Copyrite Lawrence Laddaga2013