Dance Humor Weight Loss Zumba

Zumba Causes Narcolepsy

For the first time, I made it to 3.75 Zumba classes this week. Here’s what happened. Fourteen months ago, I started going once a week. Loyal readers, both of you, know that after 10 minutes, I was gasping for air and praying for death. As the months wore on, and the pounds fell off, I started going twice a week. A couple of months ago, I dabbled a couple of times with going THREE times a week. In order to fit this on my schedule, this necessitated going to class two days in a row. How can I prosaically describe the effect this had on me? What words will convey the true effect this had on my body, mind, and soul? I know, it KICKED MY ASS.

As April and May approached, I saw my six month July doctors check up looming on the calendar which coincided with my celebrating losing 30 ponds since last July. At the same time, this rate of loss is nowhere near my type A, overachiever, obsessive compulsive addictive personality that wants to be losing 2 pounds a week is satisfied with, so I’ve been constantly been tweaking what I’ve been eating and my Zumba/Yoga/tango regimen trying to get the weekly weight loss up to what I consider a respectable level.

So, this was the week I decided I’d try FOUR Zumba classes and two yoga classes. Here’s how the week went starting with last Saturday.

Saturday June 7: Go to zumba class 9 am as usual. Come home, shower, head to Lowes, buy potting soil, drainage rock, two pavers. Set pavers, level for new outdoor table purchased by GF, plant new deck plants (also purchased by GF), and paint one of two outdoor corner shelves built by GF. Shower, put on costume, attend tango Milonga. 17,000 steps for the day.



Sunday June 8: go to yoga class: already beyond exhausted. Fall asleep in savasana, or deep relaxation at end of class. I think I snored.

Monday June 9: Go to Zumba class: this is the class I don’t normally attend. I am fired up. Gonna make three in a row this week. Woooo Hoooo.

Tuesday June 10: Can’t get up for work. Go to office. Fall asleep at desk at 2:30. Give up. Take entire day off. Go home. Go to Zumba class at 5:45. This building where she has class doubles as children’s something or other and, I think, large oven for baked goods the size of SUV’s. Or it must, judging from the usual temperature in there.

Wednesday June 11: What day is it? I want to take today off too. Am exhausted. Make it to office. Am really excited about making it to THREE Zumba classes in a row. leave work early at 4 pm. Get home change clothes. Can’t. Keep. Eyes. Open. It’s 5:45. I have 30 minutes before I have to leave for class at 6:15 which starts at 6:45. Ok, I can take a power nap. Set alarm on I phone for 22 min. Close eyes. Pass out. Alarm goes off. 6:07. Great, I can sit here for 5 minutes. Next thing I know, I wake up and it’s 7:45. YUP, ZUMBA CAUSES NARCOLEPSY!!!! (Or maybe I need a little more rest, or a little more time to get used to this schedule- whew,). I dash out the door, race to class and get there 15 minutes late….so, I made it to 2.75 classes this week.

Thursday June 12: regular yoga class. Maria, the teacher, has left for her summer vacation. Who do we get for our sub? The yoga instructor who is also the marathon runner. You can’t make this stuff up. Insert your own punch line here. I pray for a quick death during savasana.

Friday June 13: No exercise today, but I do have to drive four hours round trip to teach the last two hours of a certification class. Have also noticed my weight has fluctuated three pounds this week even though my diet has not changed at all. I assume this is analogous to how terminal patients, as they approach death, will refuse food and water. I’m guessing by the end of the week, my body, from the Zumba overdose, has started hoarding water for the coming apocalypse. I get back to charleston at 7 pm and meet a friend for dinner.

Saturday June 14: I make it to Zumba class no 3.75 this week. I don’t know my name, I swear, just by looking I have 6 fingers on my right hand, I can’t get enough sleep but I woke up at 5:30 am and could not get back to sleep. Class was great. I did notice by one of the last songs, I was having trouble distinguishing between my right and left foot.

You know what I keep thinking, don’t you? She DOES teach a class EVERY DAY at the senior center at 8 am. Lemme google narcolepsy drugs…….

Humor Weight Loss

Losing Weight Too Slowly? Frustrated? Track Your Weight Loss in Atoms

The girlfriend has been off the road for the last month, so among other things, the conversation has occasionally turned to our recent effort to eat healthier, exercise more and our efforts to lose the 1.4 pounds she is STRUGGLING to lose and the 83.4 pounds I’m skipping along losing. Specifically, I was commenting… ok, complaining…ok, whinging (one of my all time favorite British words), ok, whining that while I’ve lost 30 pounds since last June, it’s been at a rate of about 1/2 pound a week instead of the 2 pounds a week I was striving for.

“Count your loss in atoms”, she said. “That’s gotta be a million or billion a week”. So, if you’re struggling to lose those last few pounds, and just to let you know, it actually does feel better to say, if only to yourself, that “I lost 6,245,000 atoms of fat this week”, I thought Id show you the way. Now, I actually have no patience, interest, or desire to actually figure out how to do this, and much to my surprise, no science nerd on the entire internet has actually computed the amount of atoms in a pound of fat, which suggests to me that science nerds are doing more drinking and dating then we are led to believe, but that aside, they have left a trail of breadcrumbs, so for those of you handier with both a calculator and patience than I, here’s the path.

First, you must become familiar with “Avogadro’s number” and the “mole” which, if you have a weight problem, you probably LOVE Avocado’s and Mole sauce, especially Chicken Mole, but I regress. Actually Avogadro’s number and the concept of the “Mole” come from chemistry and give’s you some idea how to work your way into how many atoms in an amount of something, (which is an amazingly big number, which makes you feel extraordinarily great about teeny tiny amounts of weight loss, which is why we are here, right?) Here’s science nerd article no 1.

Second, now that we know we actually have to convert that blob of fat into something representing an element on the periodic table, voila, your fat is actually 77% carbon atoms? Who Knew?

Third, we now need to know how many atoms are in a gram of carbon atoms so here you go

Annnd, lastly, there are 435 grams, (roughly) in one pound, so you multiply 435 times 5,133.7209 from step three to get 2,325,575.567 atoms in a pound of fat.

So, next time you’re out with your skinny bitch friend, and she smirks, “How’s that diet going, and you know you only lost 1/4 pound that week, and you almost slit your wrists on the scale last week, but the only thing that saved you was the finale of the Game on Thrones was on that night, you can look back at her and say, “I lost 581,393 atoms of fat last week”. And say it smugly. With Pride.