I’ve discovered just this week, much to my joy, that the music in class is actually so loud, I can actually blurt out some of the ridiculous things that come across my brain and nobody can here them. Well, except maybe, once in awhile, the woman standing right next to me. But she pretty much ignores me. Most of the time. I call this “Zumba Tourette’s”.
For example, we have a “cool down” routine that’s the same for the end of every class. One position is a squat with cactus arms. Like this.
. When we did this yesterday, I thought of Ferguson, St Louis, so I blurted out, “Don’t Shoot”. Mary said “what?!” I said, “don’t shoot”. Zumba Tourette’s. Most of my other Zumba Tourette’s comments are more predictable.
Tuesday one of the veterans said, “You’ve been coming for awhile, you’ve been seeing results!” I said, “16 months, and no results. Well, consistency is a result. I’m very consistent. I may lack timing, balance, grace, athleticism, flexibility, strength, agility, stamina, wind, beauty, progress or demonstrable results but I’m proving I’ve got balls and obsessive compulsive disorder. Otherwise, I’m just as bad as when I started”
After 16 months of attendance, I’ve been tracking some patterns, and can now reasonably explain why, on any given day, I only really know the routines for, let’s say, three songs. Here’s the math, in both “old” and Common Core Format. Zumba class is 55 minutes starting 5 minutes late and ending on the hour and each song is roughly 3 minutes each leaving approximately 18 songs per class, give or take. One of those is a cool down song leaving 17. Even with rapid changeovers between songs, you can subtract one more song for beaks between songs leaving 16. You old folks divided 3 into 55, you common core folks grabbed your iPhone, a stop watch, an abacus, started playing music, stoping songs after three minutes, moving a bead on the abacus for each song, watching the clock as you go. We’ll wait till you catch up).
The instructor to her credit, regularly rotates the playlist to provide a change of pace, different routines, work out different muscle groups, blah, blah blah, so the songs change somewhat each class. Of the 16, at least three are brand spanking new routines (to me). Depending on whether the choreography is easy (then it takes me 4 weeks to learn it) or of its hard (she was motivated to create it by some road rage incident that day- I generally call these songs – “road rage choreography”) then those take me more like 8 weeks to learn. An average song will not be in the rotation more than 8’weeks so some will actually rotate out before I’ve actually learned them.
Three of the remaining 16 are older songs (meaning they have dropped out of the rotation but are being brought back). Per the above paragraph, it takes me 1/2 as long to forget a routine as it takes me to learn it. In any case. Most songs are rotated out long enough so that when they are recycled, I remember the song, but not the routine. hence, we’re now up to 6 of the 10 I’m incompetent to perform.
The remaining ten are some variations of these two rules above, resulting in another 3 or 4 that are either so new I can’t do the routines or have been off the playlist for so long I can do them. Using old math, this would result in a answer of 6 songs I actually knew the routines to at any one time. If you’re still using common core math standards to compute this answer, then take double the recommended dose of stool softener with a large glass of prune juice. When those take effect, walk into the bathroom with some hand rolled incense, light it sit down, and the number which comes to mind is the correct answer. According to common core standards.
I like watching new people in class. 75% of anyone who comes to class for the very first time does a better job than me. I’ve already decided if I ever go to another Zumba class and they ask if I’ve ever been I’m going to lie an say it’s my first time, so I won’t be embarrassed,
So, I was leaving class Tuesday, and walking out tot the little parking lot. In daylight. Of the daycare. And happened to be parked next to one of the new girls who showed up that day, who was sitting I her car on her phone. She saw me… And locked her doors. I wonder if Zumba international sells any shirts with Zumba on the back and “I’m not a serial killer” on the front?
I think this Zumba Tourette’s is going to get worser.