Zumba Class and Codeine Cough Syrup

I was going to write that there is some controversy about working out when sick but a quick 10 minutes on the Internet demonstrates that yet again, there was only controversy between my ears. So let me say the clear consensus seems to be that if your minor symptoms are from the neck up, it’s ok to work out. If your symptoms are from the neck down, stay home. This was not my recollection of the rule.

I did however have a previously scheduled unrelated routine doctors appointment two days ago. This is the same family doctor I’ve had for 35 ish years. (Who’s counting). Having a doctor patient relationship that long is a little like being married. He knows I only think medicine should be taken recreationally. I know he’s very conservative. I know when he ignores me, tunes me out, whatever I’m talking about isn’t important. When I mentioned in passing my sore throat just on one side (I know- how bizarre is that?) and my cough, he ignored me and tuned me out.

The cough and chest congestion (or lung clearing from not smoking- whatever) got annoying enough over the last couple of days to turn to the codeine cough syrup (which qualifies as a both a medicinal and a recreational drug). I took the day off to rest, but then though it would be a good idea if I went to Zumba Class to detox whatever this was and move around. I did not give any thought to the codeine. There are some differences to taking Zumba “sober” and taking Zumba with several good doses of codeine cough syrup:

1. Julio Iglesias sounds like Jerry Garcia. After he died.
2. The hour FLIES by. Einstein was right. (And high I think)
3. While it was harder to manage my breathing, it was in a more of a passing out, lose conciousness kind of way. Rather than take breaks to catch my breath, it was take breaths to keep from passing out. Very college freshman like
4. Zumba potentiates the buzz. This is “pharmacy speak” for the exercise makes you twice as high as you were when you started. AWESOME!!!
5. Everybody is soooo friendly when you’re on codeine.
6. Zumba is very relaxing. Weeeeeeeeeeee.
7. I could not coordinate my hand or feet movements
8. I could not keep up with the instructor of the rest of the class
9. I could not follow along with the music.

O wait. I can’t coordinate my hand or feet movements, keep up with the instructor or the rest of the class, or follow along with the music when I’m NOT on codeine cough syrup.

Now that I know what the rule REALLY is, I’m thinking I’m skipping yoga class tomorrow. Although down dog and codeine has potential………just kidding.

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D.A.S.H diet – Deprived, Angry, Sad and Hungry

(or Hopeless, Hostile, take your pick) I think all diets should be called the D.A.S.H. diet. I almost spit out my green kale beet asparagus sawdust juice cocktail when I saw this on the news and then googled it. http://health.usnews.com/best-diet The acronym D.A.S.H really stands for 1. Don’t Ask for Sugar, Honey. 2. Dietary Approaches to Stop Hypertension 3. Dying a Slow Hunger 4. Dieting – A Sad Hopelesness.

A quick google search shows that the reason the US News does this every year is that ALMOST as often, the NY times does an article on “what percentage of people gain the weight they lost BACK? 90% That’s NINETY PERCENT. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/27/health/biological-changes-thwart-weight-loss-efforts-study-finds.html

“See the top 35 diets”. “Best Diabetes Diets” “Best Weight Loss Diets” “Best Diets Overall” “Best Heart health Diets” “Best health Eating Diets” “Best Diets for Healthy Eating” “Easiest Diets to Follow” “Best Plant Based Diets” “Easiest Diets to Follow” “Best Jewish Diets” “Best Pet Lovers Diets” “Best Online Dating Diets” “Best No Exercise Diets” “Best Cross Fit Then Throw Up Diets” What is this, the Oscars? Can you tell in that list where I veered off from the actual list on the US News site into satire? If any of these REALLY worked, would we need 35 of them? Weight Watchers, one of the oldest of the group, ranked quite high. Watch the weight come off, then watch it come right back on.

The longer I work to try to be/eat/live a healthy lifestyle, the funnier I find all of it, and the more absurd all of it is. I fully expect, should I ever reach my weight loss goal, to get run over by a bus, that day or shortly thereafter, as some kind of cosmic punchline. There are no shortage of absurdities I hear everyday associated with healthly living. “If you don’t eat enough, your body will think you’re starving, and you’ll (pick one) 1. retain weight 2 hold on to weight 3 need to eat even less calories to lose weight 4. lose muscle. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH No. If you starve – you’ll lose weight – fat (and fast) – till you’ve lost all of that, and then you’ll lose muscle. Bariatric Surgery – medically supervised starvation – with them supervising the water and muscle loss part. kenyan runners

My second favorite and most diets/nutritionists are guilty of this one (the big lie): “if you follow this diet/program/health eating blah blah blah, you’ll feel full/satieted/not deprived content like a golden retriever on a goose down pillow petted by its owner next to the heater on a cold winter day. Bullshit. Anyone whos dieted any length of time (and if you’re one of those people who’s been struggling to lose just 5 pounds – i wish I could just reach through the screen and slap you – no, this is for those people who struggle with the BIG numbers) you know dieting is about, at some point, the deprived, angry, sad and hungry. The D.A.S.H. diet.

Here’s why. Three simple reasons. 1. If you have that much to lose you have broken you metabolism in some way and you need to fix it. In some way. 2. If you read enough, there is nothing healthy for you to eat. Processed food. No. This means nothing in a box, or can. Or with a label on it. Or in a bottle. Or jar. Essentially, nothing from an aisle in the grocery store. No salt. No sugar. No Carbohydrates. No Wheat (Gluten) No Meat (They have feelings,pain. Vegetables would be ok, but they have to be organic – no GMO’s. No corn – aflatoxins. Lots of mycotoxins in vegetables. No eggs – (cruelty to animals thing. What’s ok to eat – sawdust. Wood right off the tree is ok, if you have really good teeth, but crowns are expensive, so I recommend sawdust, and the tree huggers are a nasty bunch, so be careful there. 3. Considering the average adult only needs 1600 to 2000 calories a day, after you take into account 1 and 2, you need to restrict your calories severely to healthy options to actually lose weight. Regardless of the 35 diet programs you look at the US News site, this basically translates to one asparagus stick for breakfast, another asparagus stick for lunch (sub a brocoli floret or brussel sprout for variety as you may like) and then for dinner, 3 oz of protein. This consists of one chicken wing, or saying the word Salmon, or Steak very slowly in the mirror while licking your lips.

Here’s to healthy living.

A Random Numbered List Why Numbered List Articles are So Annoying

“5 Things You Should Do To Be A Great Wife”. “10 things to do to be a great husband”. “7 foods to avoid to lose all the weight you want”. Here’s the one today that I didn’t even read that sent me right to the keyboard “12 things you should drop from your life right now”. Maybe it’s just me, but…..

In an overtly sarcastic nod to just how annoying this trend is, I’m going to number all my reasons for just why this trend is well, so annoying.

1. Why 5, or 10, or 12? I found myself asking this question on a post of a Facebook “friend” (we’ve never met, but she posts a dozen of these a day- I think she has some AI BOT trolling the Internet for “articles beginning with a number less than 20”;). Is it because we now have the attention span of a gnat and can’t focus past a dozen items? Is it because anything,, whether it be love, marriage, child rearing, good skin, a clean colon, curing cancer, or not pissing off our significant other, which requires more than 5, 7, or 10 steps, is, well, just too much damn trouble? Or maybe, forget about even actually DOING something about those things. Even READING about those things with more than 5,12or 15 steps is too much damn trouble. Hell, that would be like…buying a book.

2. I’d like to see some of the other numbers get some love- like 3, 7, 8, and maybe 13. That might get my attention. Especially someone with the balls to make a list with 13 suggestions.

3. It’s really Dave Letterman’s fault. Yup. Nobody thought this way before his top 10 lists. And in some way, props to him that it has became so ingrained in our culture. Except- it’s a joke. Or was a joke And PowerPoint. Yes, Dave Letterman and PowerPoint intersected with Facebook to inseminate and give birth to this annoyance of western civilization.

4. Reading them is like slowing down in traffic to look at a traffic accident. In the two lanes going in the OPPOSITE direction from you. There is really NO logical reason to slow down. There is never anything to see. You have backed up traffic for miles for no good reason. You are always either disappointed with yourself or the person in front of you for doing so. How many of those lists have you read and thought, “Brilliant, that was just f%#*ing brilliant!! This is getting printed and going up on the fridge, RIGHT NOW!!!” Said no one (rarely).

5. These lists trivialize what’s most important to us, by suggesting you can really have a great marriage, lose 100 pounds, cure cancer, make $100,000 a year by doing 5 things. Here’s a thought: if your bipolar, schizophrenic spouse is running at you with a kitchen knife screaming “Rosemary’s baby is in your gut and I’m gonna get it out”, try this “1. Really listen- hear them. 2. Love them unconditionally. 3. Agree to do YOUR part of the chores 4. Set a date night once a week. 5. Agree on a time to talk about your problems.” There all fixed. Ahhhhhhhhhh. No need to call the mobile crisis unit after all.

6. Wait, where’s that “top 10 ways to fix DSM V diagnosable psychiatric problems in you and your spouse” list?