“5 Things You Should Do To Be A Great Wife”. “10 things to do to be a great husband”. “7 foods to avoid to lose all the weight you want”. Here’s the one today that I didn’t even read that sent me right to the keyboard “12 things you should drop from your life right now”. Maybe it’s just me, but…..
In an overtly sarcastic nod to just how annoying this trend is, I’m going to number all my reasons for just why this trend is well, so annoying.
1. Why 5, or 10, or 12? I found myself asking this question on a post of a Facebook “friend” (we’ve never met, but she posts a dozen of these a day- I think she has some AI BOT trolling the Internet for “articles beginning with a number less than 20”;). Is it because we now have the attention span of a gnat and can’t focus past a dozen items? Is it because anything,, whether it be love, marriage, child rearing, good skin, a clean colon, curing cancer, or not pissing off our significant other, which requires more than 5, 7, or 10 steps, is, well, just too much damn trouble? Or maybe, forget about even actually DOING something about those things. Even READING about those things with more than 5,12or 15 steps is too much damn trouble. Hell, that would be like…buying a book.
2. I’d like to see some of the other numbers get some love- like 3, 7, 8, and maybe 13. That might get my attention. Especially someone with the balls to make a list with 13 suggestions.
3. It’s really Dave Letterman’s fault. Yup. Nobody thought this way before his top 10 lists. And in some way, props to him that it has became so ingrained in our culture. Except- it’s a joke. Or was a joke And PowerPoint. Yes, Dave Letterman and PowerPoint intersected with Facebook to inseminate and give birth to this annoyance of western civilization.
4. Reading them is like slowing down in traffic to look at a traffic accident. In the two lanes going in the OPPOSITE direction from you. There is really NO logical reason to slow down. There is never anything to see. You have backed up traffic for miles for no good reason. You are always either disappointed with yourself or the person in front of you for doing so. How many of those lists have you read and thought, “Brilliant, that was just f%#*ing brilliant!! This is getting printed and going up on the fridge, RIGHT NOW!!!” Said no one (rarely).
5. These lists trivialize what’s most important to us, by suggesting you can really have a great marriage, lose 100 pounds, cure cancer, make $100,000 a year by doing 5 things. Here’s a thought: if your bipolar, schizophrenic spouse is running at you with a kitchen knife screaming “Rosemary’s baby is in your gut and I’m gonna get it out”, try this “1. Really listen- hear them. 2. Love them unconditionally. 3. Agree to do YOUR part of the chores 4. Set a date night once a week. 5. Agree on a time to talk about your problems.” There all fixed. Ahhhhhhhhhh. No need to call the mobile crisis unit after all.
6. Wait, where’s that “top 10 ways to fix DSM V diagnosable psychiatric problems in you and your spouse” list?