Motion Sensor Plumbing Etc

I don’t know about you, but I find motion sensor plumbing only works correctly somewhere around 50% of the time

As I was in a very modern bath the other day, I found myself pondering just exactly how we got stuck with this crap. (Pun intended).  “If I have to push that flush lever one more time, I’m going to collapse from exhaustion, said no one ever.   Was there an epidemic of people rebelling against public flushing- leaving all their flushing energy to home effort only?  As I was sitting on the technologically modern throne the other day, it flushed four times.  Besides startling the %#* out of me (this puns for you too) I started wondering if I was actually on a bidet- that needed adderall.  

Now just as often, you get up to find nothing happens. These “advancements” in modern plumbing usually have a small button to push when the motion sensor fails.  I think these are for decoration only, since they usually don’t work. This causes me to engage in a contortionate dance in front of he motion sensor until I start looking for the hidden candid camera because I’m sure I’m getting punked.  Oh where did the old fashioned  flush handle go wrong.  

BUT- your frustration is not over.  You know have to try to wash your hands. Again, there are some statistics I can’t find suggesting turning faucet handles has led to an explosion of arthritis. I have noticed a rule of motion sensor plumbing-  in a public bath with three or more sinks, whichever sink you pick first – doesn’t work.  The second one usually does, but only if you wave like the third place finisher in the Miss universe pagent.   God help you if the soap is motion sensor too, which in this bathroom, it was.  I’ve now invested 30 minutes to this bathroom trip, my ass is soaked and I’ve yet to wash my hands

FINALLY, I got soap.  And water. I’m exhausted, but dammit, I’m seeing this thru.   Hands washed – now to dry and guess what- motion sensor towel dispense.   I’m waving faster then Peyton Manning denying knowledge of anything- in sign language   (above, below, under and in front of) the dispenser and finally I get three inches of towel.  20 minutes later my hands are dry.  I have carpal tunnel syndrome and a rotator cuff injury but, my hands are dry.   I have now spent an hour and 15 minutes in the bathroom of the Hilton enslaved to motion sensor technology.  

Here’s my last proof of how bad an idea this is- you have never seen a motion sensor vibrator. THAT would be the end of civilation as we know it. 

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“Creep Yourself Out”- some musings on Yoga Speak

Anyone who is a regular yoga class attendee, or even taken a few classes is familiar with yoga speak.  “Drop your shoulders”, “rotate your thighs inward”, “balance on the four corners of your feet”, “pull your shoulders (blades), down your back” , “pull your lower belly up and in”.  Some, like “drop your chin to your chest” are simple enough. Some like “rotate your thighs inward” are meaningless to me but I’m not sure if that’s because I just can’t do them, or if they’re just truly meaningless it I accept them like a warm smooth story about Santa. I know he’s not showing up, but I can like the story anyway.

After 7 years, I’ve heard what has now become my number one favorite.  I was in yoga class the other day, with one of my favorite instructors whose musings during class sound like Kahil Gibran singing with Simon and Garfunkle when she asked us, sitting cross-legged on the floor, to bend forward, extend both hands on the finger tips directly in front of us, and “creep ourselves out.”   I think she meant stretch a little farther, but the first image that popped into my mind was me, outside of my condo late at night, peering in the window at myself, and “creeping myself out”.

I immediately busted out laughing and another yoga instructor, who was attending class and sitting on the mat next to me, also busted out laughing, so I took solace in knowing I was not the only one who thought this instruction bizarre, but wildly entertaining.

I admit I spent the remainder of class in a “creep yourself out” meditation, so I thought I’d share some of the ideas I have for creeping yourself out, as you may have some awesome ideas as well.

1.   Follow yourself, and call, text and e-mail yourself dozens of times in a day.  The “stalk yourself”.

2.  Make kinda creepy sexual innuendos to your self.  “Pervert yourself”

3.  Relate to a SUBSTANTIALLY younger part of yourself, and ask yourself out on a date.  “Lecher yourself”

4.   Catch yourself staring at your own butt for the entire class. “Voyeur yourself”.

5. Spend the entire class talking to yourself, about yourself, including all you past failed relationships.  “First date yourself- from hell.

6.  Demand to know where you are and who you’re with, from yourself at all times, down to the minute.  “Abuse yourself”

Oops, class is almost over, back to the real world.  My last fantasy was imagining if one know famous TV SHOW, could have incorpatedmthis meme in their wonderful “treat yourself” vignettes. Watch this video, and imagine a slew of “creep yourself” segments.