First Colonoscopy Suggestions

I was going to say “Tips”, but it seemed unfair to “insert” this in the title. In preparing for my fourth colonoscopy which is in the morning, I thought my experiences might be helpful to those getting ready for their first.

1. Do not lift weights on prep day. Also, walking or running long distances and yoga class. Especially yoga class.

2. Your instructions say to avoid raw foods and nuts three days prior. I would also suggest steering clear of baked beans, Brussels spouts, bananas, prunes, yogurt (this is not the day for probiotics) and anchovies. Don’t ask about the anchovies- trust me.

3. If your locale is either experience or soon to experience a natural disaster, like a hurricane or wildfire, There may be unending news broadcasts involving “evacuate” or “evacuation”. Avoid these at all costs or learn the power of suggestion at your peril.

4. Stay home that day. In a chair. Outside of your bathroom.

5. Your instructions will not tell you to check the toilet paper supply. This is not the day to run out.

6. Do not go to the grocery store just for Gatorade. Every cashier over 50 knows exactly what you’re getting ready for and wants to chat about it. A lot. In front of the entire line.

7. Do not read the nutritional label on the Gatorade. Unless you’ve missed all the bad press about Monsanto’s roundup. Then it’s ok.

8. Do not believe for a minute popsicles ease hunger pangs. They will make you angry however.

9. There is a reason there is an entire google page of “soundproofing a bathroom” sites. You’ll thank me later. Soundproof your bathroom

10. And finally, your bonus tip. Make sure whoever takes you is prepared to hear you say whatever comes into your head without a filter. There’s a good reason Michael Jackson was so fond of propofol. You will be too.

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