Covid-19 Grocery Store Update St Patrick’s Day 2020

I went to the grocery store today, as much out of curiosity to see for myself if the outages were as bad as represented and because I was out of Magnum Ice Cream bars. (At the last minute I decided to cook a crock pot Beef Stroganoff cause what says St Pattys day more than Beef stroganoff? Right?

My last trip to the grocery store, before today, was 10 days ago on March 7 when realizing I was out of waffles, I thought I should prepare for this growing pandemic.

I now considered myself ready for social distancing

I’m happy to report all is (mostly normal) at the grocery store. It is true there is no toilet paper or bottled water. Or much soup. Otherwise plenty of food. If you’ve ever been in scouts and gone camping or watched an episode of Chopped on the Food Network, you could pretty much turn what you can still find into a meal. Here’s a non surprise- the produce and fruits section looks untouched by human hands. Yes, I’m pleased to announce the grocery store is still safely filled with real food.

I admit I’ve been perplexed by the unrelenting run on toilet paper. I figured it out today. These people type “disease” followed by.a “c” “typo h”, then “o” into google and “cholera” popped up. I’m sure if you’re not familiar with your infectious diseases and read the brief description of cholera, you would have bought three grocery carts of toilet paper too. (I’m leaving you to look up cholera on your own to maintain a little decorum here). And lots of bottled water. Those with better google skills cleaned out the cold remedy aisle. Also, sugar shelves completely bare

So, to recap, shelves which are completely empty- toilet paper, bottled water, sugar. Mostly bare- soup, frozen pizzas. I’m going to let you make any logical conclusions on shopper demographics that you like. Oh, if you smile at anyone, they may look at you like they’re one of the survivors of the zombie apocalypse, and you’re….not.

Bonus- also started working on my greetings, since “Hi, how you doin” seems insufficient for a pandemic. At the pharmacy, “happy disease days” got a reasonable amount of smiles and giggles. “Happy pandemic”, leaving the grocery store, not so much. Maybe, “Have a nice quarantine!”? “Cozy Covid-19”? Any pandemic greetings left will be much appreciated.

“Coronavirus COVID-19 Readiness”

Have you been inundated the last week with e mails from every business or office you’ve done business with letting you know, in the most sincere tones, all that they’re doing to keep you safe and protected?

“Here at Gary’s Groceries, we’re following all CDC recommendations. Because all employees are either wiping down surfaces or repetitively hand washing there are no employees available for check out. Hopefully, getting your 9 packages of toilet paper home is not urgent. (If you need 9 packages of toilet paper this afternoon, Covid 19 is the lease of your worries

Ok, so the first few from my grocers, doctors, and favorite restaurant were appreciated, even if they contained zero useful information. But, today, I started getting the from companies who’s possible connection to covid 19 is between tenuous and non existent. Clearly, someone in marketing woke up and like an over excited dog salivating at the site of a squirrel outside the window said, “WOW- a legitimate excuse to spam anyone who’s on our mailing list!”

This is an exact quote but I have changed the name of the company in a refusal to give them any name recognition. “As the COVID-19 pandemic continues to impact people around the world and more specifically, here in the USA, we want you to know that Gagagig is here to service your digital forensic needs with the highest level of security and availability with secure, remote-based technologies like RemoteStreem. “. Admittedly, this caught my attention. Wait, what? What does covid19 readiness have to do with “digital forensic needs”. Is the information I’m trying to forensically discover going to get sick?

“At Gagagig, we have always recognized the potential risks associated with service interruptions due to adverse events, such as the current COVID-19 situation affecting our customer obligations. Being able to respond quickly to rapidly evolving situations such as this pandemic, while maintaining uninterrupted service is part of the Gagagig ethos. We currently leverage a range of best-of-breed technologies and out of an abundance of caution during COVID-19, we propose the use of RemoteStreem.”

Ok, so who was in the room when ya’ll we’re naming your chief product? I guess “EasyDribble” and “DataPotty Training” didn’t make the cut for some reason? I think I’m going to start referring to my urological out-put as I age as “RemoteStreem”. Anyway, to save you from the rest of this BS e mail, the sales pitch somehow relates to recent travel restrictions and their thing has something to do with remote data acquisition. I hope Gagagig knows that if I ever needed their service, I’d buy it from someone else. If I get a Covid 19 readiness e mail from the Girl Scout Cookies I’m going to be very sad, indeed