“Hello, welcome to your… (bank, cable company, cell phone provider, credit card company, doctors office, hospital, hair salon, gym, nursery, car repair or any other company you deal with who has the money to avoid paying actual human beings to help us provide a service)”
Your call is very important to us, as we definitely want you to keep paying us whatever money you are paying us, but please understand we’re not enthusiastic about actually providing the goods/services/ or products for which you are paying us, because, well, this costs us money we’d prefer to keep.
Please listen carefully as our menu items have changed. We change our menu items often because, in addition to the ridiculous sum of money we pay for this computerized answering equipment and software, our company statisticians have determined that an additional 12.7% of customers hang up merely at the words, “listen carefully” and another 4.6% at the words, “our menu items have changed”.
If you want to know your current balance, last deposit, last bill amount, last bill date, your own name, your own phone number, the name of the person your significant other last cheated with on you, or any other information available with a reference to our website or mobile app, this is our attempt to shame you into hanging up and going to the website as expected AND should you be foolish enough to press “1”, we will subject you to a long computerized reading of this information, none of which will answer the question you actually have. Do not pass go, do not collect $2000, go straight to Phone Menu Hell start over.
If calling about technical support about the mobile app, but not the website, and not login issues; Press 2. If you have log-in issue, please log in to the app or website, to report your inability to log on. Or Press 8
If calling about a wealth account, Press 3. (Who has wealth accounts, and do they really call?) I’m guessing you call them once a week so they don’t get pissed and move their accounts. Ok, I guess you never talk to them, but their assistants, who have to listen to this computerized drivel all day. (I’m sorry)
If calling about opening an account, starting service, or anything which indicates you are NOT paying us money yet, but think you want to, press 3 where you’ll be connected instantly to a salesperson who will offer you a ridiculously low price for 3, 6 or 9 months to get you hooked on our service like a crack addict whereupon at the end of that time period, if not substantially before, raising your rates as high as we can legally get away with, so you can pay the expense of giving new customers these great deals.
If calling to close an account, or terminate a service, please press 4, where you will remain on hold for 30 minutes only to be told they are so sorry, but you need the termination department and they will transfer you and ask to put you on hold where your call will be disconnected and you must not pass go, not collect $200 and go straight to Phone Menu Hell to start over.
We’re interrupting your menu options to let you know that covid conditions, climate change, conspiracy theories, air pollution, the great resignation, our unbelievably stingy contract with phone service operators in third world countries where our only request is that none of the people working our accounts actually speak English have created extra wait times which for your are currently 27.3654765 minutes. If you would like a call back in 27.3654765 minutes, please press 5 now, and we will call you back in ….<pause> 27.3654765 at which time, when you answer the phone, we will disconnect the call and you must not pass go, not collect $200 and to straight to Phone Menu Hell again. (Our company statisticians say a whopping 34% do not try again after being hung up on at this stage)
Please press 6,7 or 9 for some specialized need of the services we provide which are custom-tailored for Pressing 6, 7 o r9. Our statisticians tell us less than 2% of our customers actually need services 6, 7 o r9 and a whopping 33.45% more customers hang up on frustration at this point.
Also, if you have been a screaming agent, representative, customer service, representative or any other synomin for “a real human being who talks on the phone”, in an increasingly loud voice hoping to end this Dante’s Inferno 7 rings of phone computer hell, please be advised we have changed the reference to our actual human beings in the phone to “skizzelfrizits” because so far, no one has guessed to scream “skizzelfrizits” into the phone to avoid the menu.
If none of these menu items fit your situation, please press zero for a shizzelfrizit. Please be aware that this shizzlefrizit will be from a country whose language is as far from English as possible, and will have an accent totally unrecognizable to you. Also, we don’t train them to actually help you as this is an expense which will reduce our bottom line, or affect our CEO’s 27.5 million dollar bonus ontop of their 8.7 million dollar salary and 345 million dollar stock options.
Please hold at the end of your call to respond to a survey in which we have specifically designed a question to make us feel good about ourselves but bear no relation to your actual experience. If the remote event we ask a question whid DOES relate to your experience with customer service, this information is NOT provided to our statisticians.
We so value your business!!