Congratulations, I’m a Second Hand Smoker

Yup. Quit smoking. Last cigarette was 29 days, 21 hours, 33 minutes and 35,36,37,38 seconds ago.

I know the preferred term is “non smoker” but that sounds too much like “reformed smoker” to me, and I think reformed smokers are, how can I delicately put this, assholes. Ok, let me try again. I think they’re hypocritical, spoiled, judgemental, condescending, fundamentalist, moralizing mamby pamby cry babies. Too harsh?
I announced my decision to quit smoking at the last meeting of the DOMC, (our Dirty Old Mens Club- there’s only three of us). Chris and Steve (I’ll call them that because that’s their names and you don’t know who,the hell they are anyway) tried to look at me with all the manly friendship and support they could muster and Steve said, “way to go”, in a tone of voice that said, you won’t make it a week. Chris said, “good for you,” in a tone of voice that said, you won’t make it two weeks. I announced I didn’t want to go public for two months, and wanted them to be my support group and they looked at me and said sure, and looked at each other and thought, “side bet on how long he makes it”. I figure I have to make it at least 6 months for both of them to 1. lose. 2. fess up. 3. tell me what the bet was. I love those guys!!!
Everybody knows the first three days are the worst, but this is what surprised me the most. I did all the “recommended” things. Found a quit buddy. Got the patch. Signed up for the daily texts. Got online and got some research materials/motivational things, one of which was a list of the 4000 chemicals in cigarettes. These I found particularly fascinating since most of these are added for “flavor”. I never knew rat poison was a flavor. Anyway, here’s my point, kinda getting back to the whole asshole reformed smoker thing. Since I’ve been doing the whole yoga, juicing, cleansing, Zumba thing for 6-4-2 years, but for the smoking, my body is actually pretty cleaned out. So on day two, my body is actually jonesing for these 4000 chemicals I’m depriving it of. Of all the foods and substances i could give it, guess what it wanted? If you don’t believe in this whole processed food, read the label stuff, my one craving was Kraft Macaroni and cheese. Yup. Made and ate the whole box. Satisfied the whole cigarette craving. Don’t ever think I’ll look at macaroni and cheese the same way ever again. Think about that next time you’re shopping the center aisles of the grocery store.
I never thought I’d live long enough to see where you could smoke Pot walking down the street in three states and it’s going legal like wildfire but cigarettes are quickly being banned nationwide. If someone bet me in 1980 a months pay this would happen in 2014. I would have lost that bet.
I know second-hand smoke is considered to be dangerous, it’s one of the many reasons I quit, BUT none of the nanny nanny boo boo literature I’ve read considers you a smoker if you’re exposed. AND, over the last 20 years, I’ve met the nicest and coolest people around trash cans and dumpsters since we’ve all been regulated to being lepers. So, I’m still hanging out in the smoking area, enjoying the hell out of second-hand smoke. One of the benefits of quitting is that now, second-hand smoke smells GREAT! A friend’s daughter, who quit, describes the smell as “better than cake”. Hell yeah. If you’ve quit, you know what I mean.
Here’s my second pet peeve besides those reformed smoker assholes. Assholes who have no compassion for addiction. Why some people struggle with addiction to some things and not others is beyond me. Why I have with cigarettes and food but not alcohol and gambling is beyond me. Why some people not at all, likewise. Why some people have addictions to the point of needing 12 step programs or treatment, my heart goes out to them. A former Facebook friend posted about a year ago this: “If you smoke, just quit.” I so wanted to comment, “if you’re an asshole, just quit. Not so easy, is it?”
Here’s a final thought I’d like to leave you with- I’d like to see the medical profession take up, as their next Don Quixote Challenge, after smoking, obesity, alcoholism and distracted driving- assholes. Because, when you get right down to it, assholes are responsible for more deaths and disease in this country then any single cause. You know you’ve worked for, lived with, been married to, raised by, parented, been a sibling with or otherwise subjected to….an asshole. Road rage- asshole. Drinking and driving- asshole. Boss won’t let you take any vacation – asshole. First spouse a narcissist with borderline personality disorder- asshole. Still texting while driving- asshole. This just in- thanks to Facebook, I see today if you’d like to take a “test” and self diagnose, here you go: Anyway, now that I’ve quit smoking, I’m holding out hope that modern medicine does something about assholes. Maybe if we start one of those online petitions…..?????

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