Party Levels

“Who are you and how have you remained passed out and unnoticed in my spare bedroom for 36 hours?” Party Level FIVE!

Despite living in a small condo, I have a decent size deck off the back and it’s a great party spot to host a party of 8-12 and my friends honor me by letting me host with some frequency. If you regularly party with 12-24 close friends, you may need levels 6-10. However we range in age from 35-65 so we do not require levels which include grain alcohol punches which go by a wide variety of names and eat through the plastic garbage can in which they’re mixed or the creative destruction of property or witty slogans written on your passed out friends in black sharpie.

(This last paragraph has made me oddly nostalgic for college and thinking I should Re title this “party levels for drunks, alcoholics and old people”, but nonetheless, here goes)

LEVEL ONE PARTY- Neither 3 gal. lawn and leaf trash bag nor recycling tub is more than half full. All dishes in dishwasher, house is clean and put back together by bed, before 1 am. I would be embarrassed to host a Level One party and feel like I let my friends down. It has happened once or twice.

LEVEL TWO PARTY – Lawn and leaf bag and recycling bin full enough to need to be emptied in 24 hours, house put back together, one last load of dishes, wine glasses, cocktail glasses to go in dishwasher in morning, leftover food put away, liquor bottles to be put away in morning.

LEVEL THREE PARTY- Lawn and leaf trash bag and recycling bin filled to overflowing – you do not want your neighbors to see this many different brands of beer cans, bottles, wine bottles, and liquor bottles in you bin at one time. You DRIVE your bin to the recycling center so nobody who knows you, sees you. The one last load of dishes, wine glasses, cocktail glasses to go in dishwasher in morning has to wait until your head stops throbbing and you can open your eyes to light. You find empty glasses and beer tops in the oddest places around your house – behind the spice rack, behind the TV, inside the turntable and 4 in the bathroom. “Who partied in here? What did I miss?”

LEVEL FOUR PARTY- Level Three standards above but you’re so wiped out you Google “Health department mandatory minimum after house party clean up rules”. At least one leftover dish sitting out is is unrecognizable. You don’t find your best friend asleep on your deck chaise until 11 am. “What is this stuck to my table”. You get a message from your roomba that says, “aw hell no!”. Party descriptions range from “Epic to groans”. You’re not sure you have the strength to take out the trash today. You set a goal to have the house put back together before Monday. “Should I clean this gas grill or just get a new one?”

LEVEL 5 PARTY. LEVELS THREE AND FOUR plus go back to the very first sentence above. I have not thrown a level five since 1999 but I attended one recently. In a 7000 sq ft home. With a pool. But that’s another post.

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