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Dance Humor Zumba

Zumba One Year Anniversary Wednesday April 23rd 2014

WOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO I made it a year, and like yoga, and Argentine Tango, I have never been so happy to be doing something I am no better at than when I started. I think Anniversaries are a time for reflection, so I wanted to share what I’ve learned and accomplished in a year. Let’s start with just a little of what I wrote exactly one year ago today:

“Just got back from my first ever Zumba class. Thankfully no scarlet letters or getting tied to a stake was involved. Yes, if you’ve never been, the rest of the class looks like those happy, healthy people you’ve seen on the infomercials dancing to a joyous, driving beat. I, on the other hand, looked like a cardiac patient playing Charades to the same music and my word was “epileptic seizure”. ….. Thanks Dale Ellison. Can’t wait to come back. Maybe for my next class of charades I’ll try “drunk on a electric fence”.” (The rest can be found at http://humorforthehorizontallychallenged.com/2013/04/)

So lets reflect on the progress made and things learned over one year:
1. Out of about 79 completely different routines I am pretty confident on 3. Well maybe 4. But definitely 3. And, if she leaves any one of those off her playlist for two long, then I have to relearn it. It’s a constant Alzheimer’s exam. And I’m failing.

2. I now look (make that gasp) at the clock every 15 minutes; First quarter – “ugh”. 30 minutes – “damn it, I’m running out of gas”. 45 minutes – “I am soooo toast, but I can make it 15 more minutes”. (or maybe not). But a year ago I was going once a week and now I’m going three times a week. Which probably suggests I need therapy.

3. All of the songs are fun and I like them all and all of the choreography is my favorite and I like it all. Do NOT tease/satirize the songs/choice of songs/choreography of songs or in anyway appear to do so in your blog ‘cuz the instructor (Momma) owns the playlist and the choreography and she will get even. Consciously or unconsciously. All of the songs are fun and I like them all and all of the choreography is my favorite and I like it all. Having done that several times, there are now several songs in which the movements of a hummingbird look like an old person on Quaaludes to me. No matter how fast you think a song is, or hard the routine is, there’s one out there that’s faster and harder. Note to self – Shut up. All of the songs are fun and I like them all and all of the choreography is my favorite and I like it all.

4. This is a lesson I started doing in yoga class, which I have transferred to Zumba class. When in intense pain, I tend to curse loudly and vociferously, (but silently, very silently) in my own head. I know, this is not very Zen and I am working on changing this habit. While I am working on finding a better mantra, for now, when I do this, I smile broadly. The instructors love this. I love that I’m smiling, all the while thinking “MOTHER fu%*er” in my pain seared brain. It also makes the pain more tolerable.(Sometimes I think other things, but you get the idea, and I do try to keep this as PG as possible, which is why I post so seldom as this seriously limits what gets past my filter)

5. All the women in class are smart, lovely, joyous, friendly, warm, welcoming, and interesting. Especially the Alpha’s, you know how you are. And the tango crossovers. And I’m not positive, but I think maybe the lady from Brooklyn is not going to have me wacked after all. However, after a year, I have just graduated to “token ‘dude’, ‘guy’ ‘man’. I’m not sure if that means my masculinity is or isn’t in question. Besides the “token” thing, its making me a little nervous, but I’ve kept my filter on. I’ve just “smiled”. Last night, in class, a girl walks up to me before class starts and says; “You’re a man taking this class!”. My mind immediately raced through a half dozen smart ass replies, but Dale has me on a very short leash, so I said, “Yes”, not sure if it was a compliment or not that she noticed. She actually had invited her Dad to class and was just excited there actually was a guy who had committed hari kari and had been going for a year.

6. Sheniqua is on the injured list, and is out for the season with a knee injury, but Dale has put up yellow crime scene tape around her spot, and we’re awaiting word from Marcus Lattimore’s knee surgeon as to when we can expect her return to the team. Go SHENIQUA!!!!!

8. They had a party tonight for my Anniversary. Ok, it wasn’t for my anniversary. Ok, it had nothing to do with me, they have a social get together a couple of times a year, and it just happened to fall on my one year anniversary, but hey, I got invited. It was a beautiful home. How beautiful you ask? Have you been to the Biltmore estate and toured the house? That nice, but updated, with nicer countertops and appliances. And on the beach. With a pool. My condo would fit in the kitchen. Both floors. I resisted all my favorite things, like chocolate covered strawberries and liquor filled pudding cups. On one of the refusals, someone was very sweet and commented on my 27lb weight loss ( I really don’t look any smaller yet, at this size, I need to lose ANOTHER 30 pounds before you can really see a difference but I had just posted about it that morning on FB) and I said, thanks, but I have 88 pounds to go. She said, ” were you 88 pounds less, recently? “Yes”, I said, “1979. And that seems very recently to me.”

I love these people. I love this class. I could NOT be any worse at it. All of the songs are fun and I like them all and all of the choreography is my favorite and I like it all.

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Zumba Class 5.

Went to Zumba class #5 yesterday. The following contains pieces from classes 4 & 5 without regard to continuity or location but since I’m in a dissociative state, you might as well be too. Driving to class last night, I pull into the parking lot of the IOP rec center and all the oxygen leaves my body. Initially shocked, I realize my cells are like the kid who’s been bullied too many times by the same kids in the neighborhood so he runs at first sight of them.

I stop at the desk to check off my name on the three pages of registered Zumbaronians but the receptionist is speaking to one of the other class members. I wait patiently, she looks up at me like a fan of the reality show “an Idiot Abroad” and says with a smirk, “I’ll sign you in”. How can she already know my name? Then, Wow, I think. I’m not even in the room, and I’m embarrassed already. I’ve only been to Zumba twice and the entire IOP rec center knows who the fat guy is taking the Zumba class.

Waiting for class to start. Lady next to me says, “first time?” “Yes”, I lie. Dale gives you quite a good workout, she says. She must be the cemetery tour guide, I think. “These are graves, these are tombstones”. What would I say to newbies a year from now I think? “When you get out of here, call home and have them remove all guns, knives and drugs from your home”. “This is fun, are all your premiums current?” ”

Class begins. Why do gyms/dance/fitness/aerobics rooms have wall to wall mirrors? I googled it. There’s an entry for each one of those. One reason is it distorts the size of the rooms by making them look bigger. I know this to be true because each week, I have run backwards into the wall, my high score being 3 times, the last time so hard I knocked the wind out of myself. But I digress. I think the mirrors are a variation of “does my ass look fat in these blank”? Mine looks like an old dominion 18 wheeler truck backing out of a narrow downtown residential driveway ripping the piazza off a charleston single house while running over a tricycle. And thanks for that image from three separate directions.

And why are workout clothes so tight? I do now understand why some people prefer the front row

Min 0-15. As I enter my usual dissociative state it’s starting to have a familiar comforting feeling like macaroni & cheese, meditation, alcohol or drug abuse or the delusions from a major depressive episode

Min 15-27 I’m actually starting not only to recognize some of these steps, but name them in my head- there’s the “dog peeing on a fire hydrant while running” and the “heel to toe DUI sobriety test for drag shows only”. (This is how I did well in school, it helps me keep up)

Min 27-30. I swear I am dancing to a disco Hispanic version of the theme song to Gilligans Island. I know, you young’uns are gonna have to you tube the song, folks my age just peed a little.

Min 45. Lovely lady next to me says, “I wish my husband could come”. “TMI”. I I think. When the Cialis commercial with the two of them in two separate bathtubs first came out I told Leah, “if that stuff really works, they’d be in the same bathtub”

Min 46-58. I wanna take a class taught by a woman dual certified in tantric yoga and Zumba. (Yes, this single thought occupied me for the remaining twelve minutes)

Class ends. “I am the Walrus, goo goo g’joob”

copyrite. Lawrence Laddaga 2013