Humor Zumba

Zumba Class No…… Hell, I’ve Lost Count

Last Wednesday, it was time to go to Zumba class and I was actually feeling good about it. I should have known this was my first bad sign. I was thinking I was feeling more comfortable with the music, the choreography, a little less humiliated, a little more confident in my ability to get through 55 minutes without cardiac or respiratory arrest. What was I thinking? My good friend, Gilbert, in Walteboro, taught me years ago, the light at the end of the tunnel is usually a train.

So, I saunter in, feelin all frisky for myself, and all rarin to go, and Dale starts class as she always does, by cranking up the first song, which goes fine. Then, the second song starts and I’ve never heard this song, but I think Ok, she’s really good at managing her playlist weekly, keep things fresh; don’t want folks to get bored. I get it. And of course, new song, new choreography. Except everyone else already knows it. Dammit. So, this must not be new. Good times.

Then the next song is new, too. Ok, I think, she’s screwing with me. I get through that song, then then next song is the last straw. I can’t even tell you what the damn song is or was (even though she’s played it for the last three classes) BECAUSE the choreography is Indian dancing (and that would be from INDIA) from the waist up and Irish River Dancing from the waist down. Uh Huh. Having trouble picturing that? Here’s what that looks like….

indian dance top river dance bottom

Now, if you still don’t get it, just take a break, get up from your comfy chair, do that crazy ass prayer hands thing, (with your arms moving constantly of course) and at the same time hop from foot to foot as if you were being attacked by an army of rats high on pot and the only thing between them and a spilled 55 gallon drum of M & M’s was you.

Oh, yeah, I confronted her after class. She had some mamby pamby excuse about having to change playlist to recycle older songs cause otherwise she got bored, doing 49 classes of the same thing every week. Likely excuse. I know she was screwing with me.

What could possibly be next? Lower half, Russian Cossack dancing?

russian cossack dancing

Upper half belly dancing?


russsian cossack levitating

Humor Zumba

Zumba and my continued descent into mental illness

I was waiting for Zumba to start this morning, and Alpha no ! walks in with a Black Helmet on. I grab my keys and phone and start heading for the door. “Where you going?”, Dale asked. “I’m leaving,” I said. “If whatever you’re doing today involves helmets, I’m outta here”. Alpha no one, said no, she rode a motorcycle. I was still apprehensive, but I stayed anyway.

Dale is an itinerant Zumba teacher, and the Saturday class is in a small dance studio which shall remain nameless, for obvious reasons momentarily. You can tell from their wall propaganda and photos, that their target market in this upscale high income suburban demographic are young girls who want to compete in both dance competitions and in pageants. They have one dance room. Their motivation slogan in this room is the following:

dance anatomy

Now, I raised daughters, and my daughter will tell you I’m a pretty liberal guy. I enrolled her in both ballet, ( so she could experience grace and beauty – she hated it) and karate ( cause I told her she could date anybody she wanted when she got older as long as she could beat the shit out of anyone she dated) BUT, I never took her anywhere where the slogan was, “Everything we do, we do it BIG, BLACK and YELLOW”.

Maybe its just me, because those who know me, know I’m a quotations junkie. So, here’s just a couple of suggestions for what could have gone up on the wall:

Here’s a few by Martha Graham, maybe one of the most famous choreographers and dancers of the 20th century:
“Great dancers are not great because of their technique, they are great because of their passion.”
“The body says what words cannot.”
“Theater is a verb before it is a noun, an act before it is a place.”
“The body is a sacred garment.”

instead we have…..
“Everything we do, we do it BIG, BLACK and YELLOW”. Wow, Really? I have some other suggestions if they want to go in the OTHER direction with the motivational wall sayings, but they involve pole dancing and violate pages 3,4,7,8, and 11-14 of Dale’s censorship instructions, but you get the idea.

The entire back wall of this studio are floor to ceiling glass windows, overlooking a … Wait for it… A WAFFLE HOUSE. So, basically, we perform for the Saturday morning, hung over, “I need a cholesterol fix”,rush. Some guys came to the window and tried to dance along this morning. It was both hysterical and very Kafkaesque. (As much time as I have spent eating in waffle houses, the Karma of it all is not lost on my fat ass either- this is some pecan waffle dharma karma here, fer shizzle)

But then, just when I think I should lobby to have Zumba added to the DSM V, these Belly Scarf Divas crack me up. (And alpha no 2 looked red carpet spectacular in her new yves st laurent zebra print belly scarf – who knew designers did those?). I think they should start a club. Red hat ladies ain’t got shit on you girls! Rock on.

“We all live in a yellow submarine”.

Humor Zumba

Zumba Class Two

Just home from Zumba class no 2. I was driving over thinking the second class had to be easier when I remembered my second colonoscopy this summer. At least I know what a fire hose with a Nikon professional paparazzi style camera and flash up my ass feels like so I won’t be surprised. But, there won’t be anesthesia. Walked in class. Nice lady who wasn’t there last time says, “first class”? I immediately try to decide what will be easier for me, tell the truth and have her astonished that no one can be that bad, even after two classes or lie, and get first Timer credit two classes in a row. I immediately think, “Mark Sanford got elected yesterday, I should lie”. “Yep, first timer”, I say. She says, “the trick is to bend your knees so you don’t hurt your knees or back”. I figure she works for the department of corrections and this is the advice she gives to newbies going into cells with lifers. “Bend your knees…..” Class begins. Minutes 0-10. OMG. I have depleted all the oxygen in my body. Already. Yes, I’m still breathing, but I can’t replace the oxygen going out fast enough. You’ve heard without enough oxygen to the brain, brain damage occurs rather quickly. It’s true, I recognized my own brain damage immediately. I thought what a traitor Governor Christie was. The last respectable fat guy we had – got lap band surgery. And lost 40 lbs before he fessed up. Bastard. Min 33. OMG. she’s playing ICE, ICE BABY. Holy shit, it’s on 78 Rpm. and she’s dancing that fast. We used to play regular records at 78 rpm and they sounded like the chipmunks. Im trying to dance at chipmunk speed. Min 40. Ok, I’m paying more attention to these hand movements this week. They kinda look more like those guys on the runways with the flashlights bringing in the planes to the gate – if they were really high and doin it to earth wind and fire played by a Latino band. Or, I can kinda see some priests I know saying mass, to Donna summer. This is some serious brain damage I’m thinking. The bend your knees lady came over to check on me. Really? Then, the song “get low” comes on by Flo Rida. A voice in my head says, “you got this”. I immediately recognize this as multiple personality disorder brought on by the brain damage. The OTHER voice says “you got what?”. I actually try to do the whole step it up, second wind, give it all I have thing. I’m clearly mentally Ill and should be committed. Min 48 Oh, it’s cool down song with the yoga moves I recognize,thank god. Class is over. I can’t wait for next week.

“We all live in a yellow submarine”

Copyrite  Lawrence Laddaga 2013