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Humor

Updates from Meetings with the Parole Officer Part 5

(If you’re new, Yes, this is the 5th in a series, but they all have different titles and there are two “Part Ii’s”. If you like puzzles, you’re off! If not Best clue- Part one is on August 11 2020)

My Registered Dietitian, or my Food Parole Officer, or FPO, said, How about try a smoothie – simple – frozen berries, banana, soy”. “Sounds great, I say, can you send me a recipe?”. “Sure, she says, turn on the microphone on your phone in your note taking app and I’ll dictate it.” Here’s what I got…. “OK you’re on one cup OK it’s got one cup berries berries cherries or blueberries cherries or blackberries and one frozen banana one cup one cup of soy milk she said it did it and then she erased it what else 1 tablespoon ground flaxseed. One tbls chia seed”.

Uh huh. Two suggestions when trying this dictation method. Both of you cannot talk at the same time. The microphone prints at a substantial delay from what it hears. Like you responding to your significant other.

“You should have a cooking show!”, she says. Yes! “Cooking with Guido!”, I shout. Imagine a cross between Tony Soprano and Joey from friends introducing you to Plant Based cooking. “Aaaaaaaaaaa (That’s a long “a” as in “Hey”, drawn out in a guttural tone. How youse doin. Tuhday, we makin like a Chinese stir fry. With veg only. Good fiber. And so now, I probably oughta mentions that this fixin your microbiome thing generates a lot of gas. I mean ALOT of gas. Like, Did your elderly Mom or Nona, when they would get up from the recliner, to go to the kitchen for some finnochio (fennel) have gas that sounded like a small hp Mercury motor boat motor that needed new spark plugs but kept chugging till they reached the fridge? Yeah, my mom did that. So, that kind of gas. Anyway, don’t go to church the first two weeks you eat plant based. Or sit near the organ where it’s really noisy. Oh yeah, so veg stir fry….” (More from Guidos cooking show in future blogs

Two weeks later the education chair from a professional association im in says “you should do a zoom cooking class.” “You have no idea,” I think.

FPO helped me create a new food rule. Unknowingly. Last week, I asked which would be better- a steak, braised beef ribs in the crockpot, or a crockpot pot roast. With a look of alarm like I just lit one of her pants leg on fire, she said, “Don’t grill- charring very bad! Charred fat very carcinogenic!!!!! So one of other two. Just as a condiment. And two cups greens or veg with that!”. (When I suggest food choices that are upsetting she talks to me like a three year old toddler. Which, considering some of my food choices, is probably appropriate.

Nutritional yeast. Every time I say the word cheese, she looks left, looks up, then says I should substitute either avocado, if the cheese is a mouth feel thing in the recipe, or nutritional yeast if it’s a cheese flavor thing. I found it in the store. I even reached for it. Doesn’t it sound like something you’d go to the pharmacy and ask the pharmacist, “Hey, I’ve got nutritional yeast. Do you have something over the counter I could try or do I need a scrip?” It took 7 months but I finally bought a container. It comes in a Parmesan cheese kind of container. Also scary. Anyway, tasted good. Who knew. Def needs a better name then I saw on TV they brew beer with it. Gotcha

Today I said I was craving a hot dog, so I took one out of the freezer, microwaved it, cut in in half and stuffed it in a half of a flax oat bran and whole wheat mini pita with relish, mustard and nutritional yeast. This time we skipped looking left. Or right. And went straight to, “I think she’s going to vomit”. “Do I need to buy you one of those cute emesis trays they give you in the hospital do when you talk to me, you can actually turn around and retch a bit”

“pitas?”, she said. Let me see the ingredients. Ok. I’ll read them to you

When I got to “Sodium Metablsulfite” ” I lowered my head and in a deep monotone said, “that doesn’t sound so good”

These FPO’s are crafty persuaders. Crafty I say.

Mmmmmm….mm. Steak. Grilled. Charred fat. At the butcher counter in Harris Teeter Grocery store two days later I asked for the biggest rib eye he had. 20 oz. 2 inches thick. Marble like white Christmas snow just falling. And it hit me. My new food cravings rule. If I think of a food choice I know is. It good for me I think “if you knew if you ate that you would die tomorrow, but if you don’t you’d live another year what would you do? I went outside, turn on the gas grill and waited for it to heat up….

I couldn’t think of a catchy name for this new rule. My best friend Chris suggested “willful morbidity” but it didn’t have the “cant forget charm” I was looking for. Who is gonna buy a wellness book called “willful morbidity”. Can you help me come up with a catch title for my rule?

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Humor

30 Minutes With A WordPress “Happiness Engineer”

This trip down the rabbit hole of website editing to the realm of 30 freaky minutes with a WordPress “Happiness Engineer” was quite a ride. She asked if our session met my objectives at the end, and I said, “This was the best thirty minutes since my one week with an actress spring break freshmen year of college in 1976”. I digress.

How I Fell In The Rabbit Hole. This site is powered by WordPress which “is a platform for self-publishing that is popular for blogging and other works. It is owned and operated by Automattic, Inc.[4] It is run on a modified version of WordPress.[5] This website provides free blog hosting for registered users and is financially supported via paid upgrades,[6] “VIP” services and advertising.” So says Wikipedia. Last year, a friend said, “You should turn these humor posts into a book”. What a nice compliment I thought. Recently another friend said, “You should turn these blog posts into a book. I’ll be your book tour manager.” Once is a compliment, two is a sign from the universe so I thought, “i need to download these posts into a word doc for editing”.

Notice the WordPress Description does not say “financially supported by helping bloggers”. In anything involving WP’s ever expanding “revenge of the nerds” website editing and management tools, I should have anticipated this would be harder then holding a “Don’t wear a mask rally” at CDC Headquarters. Ok, so to avoid your boredom, the descent into Happiness Engineer went like this. Tried to download posts from website but WP Only downloads in XML format (which is a nerds acronym for “works like a teenager”. Sensing my 76 posts were not actually 377 pages I googled download to Word document. This required a plug-in. The best plug in for this is called Aspose. I am not joking. The “plugin” to download your WP content is Aspose. Which sounds equally bad pronounced “ass-pose” or “as pose”. (Emphasis on either syllable.). Take a moment and give thanks you don’t work for a company called “Aspose”

“This widget requires an upgrade to a business plan membership of $283”. “WP is financially supported by….”. Alright, this is a non paying hobby so yeah, <sarcasm> “Great deal!”. I’ll save you the slow waterboarding torture of installing the plug in, trying to get WP support chat to help and being told they’re not “plug in experts” (of course not – you need to date the redhead with the tattoo sleeve) and THEN – a pop up offering 30 minutes with a “Happiness Engineer” for the ONE TIME ONLY discounted price of $49 lit up my screen and YES- sold. I’ll happily pay you $49 to show me how to make the $283 I just paid you work. (And people bitch about my legal fees)

We were scheduled for noon today. I was on zoom as instructed promptly at 11:55 awaiting my very prompt “Happiness Engineer” Kathryn”. We started by her asking me 7 questions in one sentence which just taught me that my usual parlor trick of answering every question in one sentence in the order in which they were asked which strikes people as either impressive or funny does not extend to seven questions. We then spent a fair amount of time discovering their prior instructions for these sessions contained in 4 emails and three texts (they must get ghosted for appointments more than a bumble date at Suck and Blow motorcycle bar in Myrtle Beach SC) do NOT contain the following. “We conduct these sessions using screen share which we prefer to do on the device where you primarily administer the site. Unless that’s an IPAd because sharing an a iPad screen is an enormous pain in the Aspose so we’ll ask you to boot up your laptop that your IT Deleted Zoom on, only to finally share our (her) screen which we could have done in the first place.”

She then asked if I liked my “theme”. (The appearance WP gives to your site). I said I didn’t. She asked how I picked it. “7 years ago when I started I spent a long depressing Saturday afternoon looking at your other 1376 themes to pick one. “Would you like one more modern”, she asked. I said, “I was married once, just tell me what to do please”. (Kathryn is not a fan of Ex wife jokes -FYI). She pulled up the “recommended themes on her IPAD screen numbering maybe 20 (thank God). Sensing she was reticent to give up her therapist patient manner of asking questions I blurted out “what’s your favorite. “Twenty Twenty” she said. “Cause this year has gone so smashingly well!” I busted out laughing. (Kathryn loved all the pandemic plague jokes which makes me wonder if she finds disaster so funny how can she not like marriage jokes – same same) But yes, I shit you not, in some staff meeting at word press, “twenty twenty” passed muster as a theme name. Ya’ll clearly need a WP humorist to attend meetings to make fun of you guys. (I’m available).

At this point I decided to mention that her references to my chocolate chip cookie pic was actually an oatmeal raisin cookie pic which then descended into a joke about “raisin lives matter” which I’ll spare you and said one of my categories should be “too soon”. So even though I have a large list of new WP themes to suggest to you, WP And the world, I’m going to save them for my closest friends, who alone get to savor my “too soon” jokes. I hope you enjoy my new twenty twenty theme. I’m $332 in and I still don’t know how to make Aspose work. In WP. (Kathryn, notice you can find this post under the category of “too soon” and I love you).

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Humor

Understanding Relationship Communication- through Bats. 

Scrolling Facebook one day, a headline that Egyptian Fruit Bat calls are actually communication caught my eye.  Egyptian Fruit Bats Argue- A Lot

Much to my surprise, not only do these bats communicate by sound, but they have synthesized the substance of human relationship issues to four communication issues. 

“They were able to classify 60 percent of the calls.  One of the call types indicates the bats are arguing about food.”    “I’m hungry”  “what would you like, honey?”  “”What have we got”. “Well, we have spiders?”  “Nope”.  “Mosquitos?”  “Nope”.  “We have leftover peach from last nights dinner?”   “Nope- I think I want a burger and fries from Batdonalds”.   “Why didn’t you pick that up then in the way back to the cave?’  “I wasn’t hungry then.  Will you go”.   “. No!”  

“Another indicates a dispute about their positions within the sleeping cluster.”    “OMG- you snore like a bulldog bat!!   Go sleep In another part of the cave, will ya?”    “It’s too warm/cold/light/dark/quiet noisy in your part of the cave ceiling. ” “You hog the sheets/blanket/comforter”.  “Stop kicking me”.   “How about a bat cuddle.  You never bat cuddle with me”.  

“A third call is reserved for males making unwanted mating advances.”    “DONT TOUCH ME!”   “I have a splitting wing ache”.  “I’ve been feeding baby bats all day.  Do you realize how many mosquitos I caught today?!”   “How come you never help with the the bat guano?  “Hey, this weekend, wanna just fly around and look at the moon and park in the big Redwood”. 

“and the fourth happens when a bat argues with another bat sitting too close.”  “Don’t sit next to me”.  (This is closely related to “don’t touch me above) but is particularly used by female high school Bats of different social circles. 

“In fact, the bats make slightly different versions of the calls when speaking to different individuals within the group, similar to a human using a different tone of voice when talking to different people. “.  These have been classified as the: spouse tone, dating tone, parent to child tone, child to parent tone, boss to employee tone, employee to boss tone, sibling tone, friends tone, false friends tone, in law’s tone, road rage tone and hormonal tone. 

The 40% Of the bat sounds which could not be categorized were found to be teenage bats pouting or having an “episode”, mother in law bats muttering under their breath;  politician bats who didn’t make sense to the other bats,;  bats who only catch insects on cannabis plants who don’t make noise because they’re now eating every insect in sight and media bats. 

Categories
Humor Zumba

The Torture Begins

Just got back from my first ever Zumba class. Thankfully no scarlet letters or getting tied to a stake was involved. Yes, if you’ve never been, the rest of the class looks like those happy, healthy people you’ve seen on the infomercials dancing to a joyous, driving beat. I, on the other hand, looked like a cardiac patient playing Charades to the same music and my word was “epileptic seizure”. I realized the first two minutes even trying to learn the foot and handwork together was impossible so minute 3 -29 was focused on the footwork. Minutes 30- 32 was focused on the fact my heart wasn’t racing, there was no longer a discernible pulse, it was just one of those annoying hums like from an electrical appliance that’s not quite right. Minutes 32-38 were focused on handwork when I realized I was having an out of body experience. My mother taught hearing impaired children the last 20 years of her career and she learned sign language. Being Italian she spoke with her hands anyway. I always wondered what sign language would look like if my mother took speed and mushrooms at the same time. Zumba was it. Minutes 39 – 45 were spent thinking I’d not watched a clock this much since my first prostate exam. For the last 15 minutes I was grateful to be upright and conscious. Thanks Dale Ellison. Can’t wait to come back. Maybe for my next class of charades I’ll try “drunk on a electric fence”.