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Confessions of a Plant Serial Killer

With age, comes wisdom and I’ve learned to accept I’m a Plant serial killer. I started thinking this might be true when I tried taking up bonsai as a hobby a decade ago.

First trip to Lowe’s. Prepare soil, drainage, plant, trim dead. second trip to Lowes. Prepare soil, drainage, plant, trim…dead. Third trip to Lowe’s- ok- maybe inside plants have to be inside and outside outside. Fourth trip to Lowes. Prepare soil, drainage, plant, trim …dead. Maybe it’s Lowes. “Cheap as plants”. Fourth trip to high priced nursery. Prepare soil, drainage, plant, trim…DEAD. Fifth trip to Lowes. Oh WOW, they SELL Bonsai. Maybe I’m a Bonsai idiot. Maybe I’ve done everything wrong. Buy two Bonsai. Take home.

DOESN’T seem like much time has passed and my two bonsai are looking like the abused cats and dogs from the Humane Society commercial and I hear Sara McLachlan playing in the background. Here’s my plants….Arms of an Angel. Dead

Sixth trip to Lowes. I’m looking at plants. Ready to pick one. I see a single tear ready to drop from a leaf. OMG. I’m a plant serial killer. I run from store.

I’m scared. Confused. House plants my friend has planted are immortal. Granted, she has an innate understanding of micro climates down to the half foot and is a witch but nonetheless – alive. Maybe it’s bonsai. Houseplants. Outdoor container plants. That’s the ticket

Seventh trip. Dead. Eight trip. Dead. I’ve got two Hostas by the front door that have come back for five years. Thank you Vishnu. Ninth trip dead. I don’t even plant them in the pots anymore, I just stick the store bought plant and it’s container in the ceramic pot, it makes burial easier. The equivalent of Plant cremation

Now I feel sad for the plants. I fight the urge to hunt new plant victims. But, every few months I need HVAC filters and have to fo to….Lowes. There I was, in that sea of blooming plants in baskets, yearning to dress up my front door, my backyard deck. I picked out this beautiful mandevilla running up a stake. Red flowers. As I hoisted it into my cart, I sensed it trembling in fear. A leaf jumped off the plant and over the side preferring suicide to its ultimate fate and suffering. And I got a variegated leaf thing cause I kept two alive for a summer awhile back.

I’m learning how to arrange silk flowers. The other plants in the neighborhood are giving me side eye