Relationship Lessons From the Mango

In an effort to incorporate green smoothies in my diet, I’ve come to realize I don’t like mangos. (Mangoes is also correct plural spelling in case you were wondering). Why has it taken me 61 years to figure that out? I figured my food tastes were all pretty set by now. While at this point in time I realize mangos and I must go our separate ways, I admit I don’t remember when I first realized my relationship with mangos turned from good to bad.

That made me think of how many times in the last 15 years since I divorced, I tried to figure out when, during my 20 year marriage, things went south. I don’t ever remember being attracted to mangos. I just remember noticing they were showing up in salads and the odd dish, like maybe a curry sometime over the past couple of decades. I googled “when did mangos become trendy” and much to my surprise they’ve been consumed in India for millennia and some suggested they are the worlds most popular fruit. In fairness to my marriage, I do remember a brief period of conscious attraction and in fairness to mangos- well never mind.

I just remember always being ambivalent to mangos- they always seemed rather tasteless in whatever dish they were in. I guess I didn’t want to give up mangos to spare the other fruits- but now that I’ve made the split, the apples and bananas knew all along.

Disclaimer- I never cheated on mangos, abused mangos, smoked snorted or injected mangos. I did see a mango with a papaya once but who doesn’t like a little “tropical fruit on tropical fruit” display now and then.

Should I have dropped mangos when I realized I was no more than ambivalent to them? Was it worth all those years trying to make mango things work? I do realize that we make subtle and not so subtle changes in our lives over time which both cause and are caused by good and bad choices. Otherwise, I’m now as confused about fruits as I am relationships. Well, truth be told- it’s not the mangos fault. It’s the journey of self-awareness that’s the issue-and my ability to confound myself after all these years.

Men: How Can You Tell The Women You Love Are Upset With You?

You read so many relationship articles about how men in relationships find communicating with women difficult. Or you hear these things from friends or may have said some of these things yourself. I’ve been guilty once or twice (dozen): “I’m not a mind reader”; “She won’t tell me what she’s upset about”: (or) “I’m not even sure she’s upset (or angry). This is promulgated by a variety of joking photos, circulated on Facebook, some like this:

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This stuff just isn’t true. I know we guys don’t talk about this stuff like the girls do, nor do we try to guide the younger generation of men like our sisters do their younger peers. This all occurred to me a couple of weeks ago when a female friend said to me “and if you blog about this, I’ll kill you.” There was a millisecond later when my male brain said, “I wonder if she has issues with my blog?”, and as I busted out laughing, I thought, “No, that was pretty damn clear.” However, since the event at the time had no humor in it, AND, since I have no interest in the witness protection program, I thought I’d write about this topic instead.

So, here’s MY guide to just SOME relationship statements or cues or clues women state, make or do which are relatively clear they are, in fact, upset with you.

1. They say: “You are a(n) ‘blank’-hole!!!” The ‘blank’. Will be an orifice of the body and will normally be, in my experience, one which is below the belt. If you’re still insure, when you hear it, it should Normally be something which should be bleeped on network TV, not appropriate in church, or coming out of your Mother’s mouth. Unless, of course, your mother is telling you this, in which case, you have bigger problems then I can help you with here.

2. They say, ” You are a ‘blank’-bag”!!!” I understand this is somewhat regional, cultural, ethnic and possibly racial. Some favorites I’m familiar with are dirt and douche. Please add your own. Again, if you get confused and are wondering if a particular version could be a term of endearment, as in, “oh, honey, you’re a Louis Vuitton bag”, see number 1 above.

3. They say, “I’m going to KILL you””. This is never said in jest or exaggeration by a woman. Not like “I’m going on a diet tomorrow”, or “I have too many shoes and am swearing off shoe shopping”. No, not like THAT kind of exaggeration. When they threaten to kill you, they are definitely PEEVED.

4. They say, “I HATE you!!!” This is especially clear, I think, if their eyes are blood red, the veins are popping out on their neck and white foam is coming out of the corners of their mouth. Bonus point suggestion: this is not a good time to say, “what did I do?”

5. This is a picture of a woman cutting vegetables:

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These are two pictures of hand holds for someone holding a knife who is going to STAB YOU: know the difference.

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6. She cuts off your penis. Any of you young men under the age of 25 weren’t even born when Lorena, claiming to be reacting to an abusive husband, grabbed an 8 in kitchen knife and sliced off his penis. My only point to make here is that her communication was very clear and unequivocal. In case anyone older was wondering how she was doing, here’s and update on dear Lorena. (Someone actually married her after).

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2616197/Lorena-Bobbitt-speaks-21-years-sliced-husbands-penis-reveals-incident-didnt-hurt-dating-life.html

May favorite quote from her in this article: “She says the night was ‘a blur’.” I’m sorry, going out with your friends, having too many tequila shots and peeing in the yard is a “blur”, slicing off your husbands penis with an 8 inch kitchen knife is a “Washington-D.C.-Fourth-of-July-fireworks-anger -management -issue psychotic break.

7. You come home and all your clothes are on the front steps/lawn/driveway/street. On fire. Under a large pile of dog excrement. And you don’t have any pets.

Any who, these are just a few that immediately jumped to mind.. I’m sure, with this little nudge, many from your own and your friends personal experiences will jump to mind also. I just think it’s time to give women credit for being the clear communicators they are.