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Humor

Real Estate Listings for Sale

I recently got one of those emails from Amazon saying, “Can you answer this question from this member about this product you just bought”.  Usually I have no idea, but his one cracked me up, so I answered. 

The more I thought about the more I laughed so I posted it to Facebook. Later that day, a former neighbor turned realtor and I have this exchange.

I started thinking this might be a good part time job after retiring from practicing law – a “Real Estate Listings” writer on Fiverr.

“Ensuite bath consists of large soaker tub, sufficient to find even 20 minutes of blissful, quiet peace away from you ever complaining spouse, whiny kids and needy pets.  Also include large walk in shower with multiple heads and nozzles for those days when… well you know – cause who could actually get that dirty.  I mean like covered in mud dirty, not the “have a good time” dirty.  Guests children’s bath has ample shower, full size tub and single vanity with updated finishes but best of all, an updated ceiling bathroom fan that will eradicate the most offensive bomb your teenage son, (or daughter) can leave which normally assaults your senses as it wafts down the hall.  You’ll also save money on the doctors’ visits, thinking for sure, something has died in their colons.”

“Property is located in an upscale gated community where a well run and financed HOA takes great care of two pools, a beautiful clubhouse available for your parties, and gym. Property comes with tape measures to insure trash is exactly 18.5 inches from left corner of driveway, as your facing house, and exactly 6.3 inches from grass to bottom of trashcan lest you be aggravated by annoying letters from and HOA vice president who has nothing better to do that make your life a living hell and assess ridiculous fines you won’t pay.”

Property is located in a beautiful desirable neighborhood with a sought after school district. Previous owner has already litigated with existing neighbors distance of fence from property line, property line dispute, noise complaint, one law suit about a tree blocking the view, and an assault and battery civil suit involving an alleged altercation involving “you know who” for President Signs. Price includes transfer of law firm retainer and an introductory lunch with the lawyer for this property. (You’re always free to change lawyers.)

The photo of this yard truly does not give this oasis its due. Olympic size swimming pool with wave machine on one end, outdoor kitchen with grill, smoker, green egg, and one coupon for next years outdoor cooker trend; patio, pergola, kids jungle gym, with the trial lawyers seal of safety approval, a particular species of lawn grass imported from asia and genetically modified by Dupont Chemical to avoid any bugs, rot, browning, need of water, or care but is nonetheless compossible and recyclable and considered “green grass””.

“You will not believe the kitchen in the recently renovated and updated home. Brand new appliances, flooring as in rest of open concept home, two tone cabinets color coordinated by a color specialist who only provides opinions after drinking shroom tea and getting her fee in advance, open shelving, a VERY loooong island providing seating for 5 on one half (size does matter honey), double ovens, a 5 burner with grill gas stove, microwave and sink in island with touch operations faucets. You will be able to microwave take out food and leftovers to beat the band, and we guarantee you will never have kitchen envy for at least five years when watching HGTV”.

Any realtors out there? Can I make a side hustle doing this?