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Humor

Things To Do while Socially Isolating –

According to CNN this is your best, lifetime opportunity to get a Ph.D in “Nerd”. Unless of course, you are already a nerd in which case, carry on. However, for us non nerds, I have some alternative suggestions.

I ran across this article today, on CNN. https://apple.news/Aw6yrWvDJTDq6FxEAwsyOzA. “Social distancing doesn’t have to doom your weekends. We have ideas”. Updated 10:26 AM EDT March 14, 2020. These included “read everything, virtual museum tours, learn a language, pursue amateur film criticism…”; I stopped scrolling here from eye bleed.

I’m not really sure who this advice is for, since most of us work 24/7 and are so amazingly happy to be actually home with free time we don’t know what to do first. Yeah we do- laundry, cleaning, chores cause I’d you’re actually going to be both living and working from home, you should cut the disgusting factor. Then I assume you do whatever you love doing with your free time when you do have it. I figure this list is you’ve don’t all those things, are bored, and need to fill time you can’t normally fill with 50 or your closest friends at the bar. Change that to 10, bars closed.

There’s got to be better options! Think back to the last time that being stuck at home required creativity as well as frugality? Yes, college. These suggestions all (most) require copious amount of alcohol so first things first, stock up. Next step- drink up. TV, or music in the background will help. Or, drink with friends on zoom Or drink whilst playing video games. Don’t forget to order some food. Ok. Ready?

Inventory, catalog, review, and organize your porn collection. You may sober up while doing this so don’t forget to re-hydrate. You may not actually HAVE a porn collection so substitute whatever fills a similar role in your life. Field and stream, or People magazine, NASCAR, ESPN, the bachelorette or bridge.

Again, start inebriated. Find the thing in your house you have the most of. (Hopefully, liquor/wine bottles). Could be food boxes in pantry. Count them. Twice to make sure.

Drunk dial some exes, or rarely spoken to family members or former friends. Nothing passes the time like awkward social situations lubricated by alcohol.

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Humor

“Coronavirus COVID-19 Readiness”

Have you been inundated the last week with e mails from every business or office you’ve done business with letting you know, in the most sincere tones, all that they’re doing to keep you safe and protected?

“Here at Gary’s Groceries, we’re following all CDC recommendations. Because all employees are either wiping down surfaces or repetitively hand washing there are no employees available for check out. Hopefully, getting your 9 packages of toilet paper home is not urgent. (If you need 9 packages of toilet paper this afternoon, Covid 19 is the least of your worries

Ok, so the first few from my grocers, doctors, and favorite restaurant were appreciated, even if they contained zero useful information. But, today, I started getting the from companies who’s possible connection to covid 19 is between tenuous and non existent. Clearly, someone in marketing woke up and like an over excited dog salivating at the site of a squirrel outside the window said, “WOW- a legitimate excuse to spam anyone who’s on our mailing list!”

This is an exact quote but I have changed the name of the company in a refusal to give them any name recognition. “As the COVID-19 pandemic continues to impact people around the world and more specifically, here in the USA, we want you to know that Gagagig is here to service your digital forensic needs with the highest level of security and availability with secure, remote-based technologies like RemoteStreem. “. Admittedly, this caught my attention. Wait, what? What does covid19 readiness have to do with “digital forensic needs”. Is the information I’m trying to forensically discover going to get sick?

“At Gagagig, we have always recognized the potential risks associated with service interruptions due to adverse events, such as the current COVID-19 situation affecting our customer obligations. Being able to respond quickly to rapidly evolving situations such as this pandemic, while maintaining uninterrupted service is part of the Gagagig ethos. We currently leverage a range of best-of-breed technologies and out of an abundance of caution during COVID-19, we propose the use of RemoteStreem.”

Ok, so who was in the room when ya’ll we’re naming your chief product? I guess “EasyDribble” and “DataPotty Training” didn’t make the cut for some reason? I think I’m going to start referring to my urological out-put as I age as “RemoteStreem”. Anyway, to save you from the rest of this BS e mail, the sales pitch somehow relates to recent travel restrictions and their thing has something to do with remote data acquisition. I hope Gagagig knows that if I ever needed their service, I’d buy it from someone else. If I get a Covid 19 readiness e mail from the Girl Scout Cookies I’m going to be very sad, indeed