D.A.S.H diet – Deprived, Angry, Sad and Hungry

(or Hopeless, Hostile, take your pick) I think all diets should be called the D.A.S.H. diet. I almost spit out my green kale beet asparagus sawdust juice cocktail when I saw this on the news and then googled it. http://health.usnews.com/best-diet The acronym D.A.S.H really stands for 1. Don’t Ask for Sugar, Honey. 2. Dietary Approaches to Stop Hypertension 3. Dying a Slow Hunger 4. Dieting – A Sad Hopelesness.

A quick google search shows that the reason the US News does this every year is that ALMOST as often, the NY times does an article on “what percentage of people gain the weight they lost BACK? 90% That’s NINETY PERCENT. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/27/health/biological-changes-thwart-weight-loss-efforts-study-finds.html

“See the top 35 diets”. “Best Diabetes Diets” “Best Weight Loss Diets” “Best Diets Overall” “Best Heart health Diets” “Best health Eating Diets” “Best Diets for Healthy Eating” “Easiest Diets to Follow” “Best Plant Based Diets” “Easiest Diets to Follow” “Best Jewish Diets” “Best Pet Lovers Diets” “Best Online Dating Diets” “Best No Exercise Diets” “Best Cross Fit Then Throw Up Diets” What is this, the Oscars? Can you tell in that list where I veered off from the actual list on the US News site into satire? If any of these REALLY worked, would we need 35 of them? Weight Watchers, one of the oldest of the group, ranked quite high. Watch the weight come off, then watch it come right back on.

The longer I work to try to be/eat/live a healthy lifestyle, the funnier I find all of it, and the more absurd all of it is. I fully expect, should I ever reach my weight loss goal, to get run over by a bus, that day or shortly thereafter, as some kind of cosmic punchline. There are no shortage of absurdities I hear everyday associated with healthly living. “If you don’t eat enough, your body will think you’re starving, and you’ll (pick one) 1. retain weight 2 hold on to weight 3 need to eat even less calories to lose weight 4. lose muscle. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH No. If you starve – you’ll lose weight – fat (and fast) – till you’ve lost all of that, and then you’ll lose muscle. Bariatric Surgery – medically supervised starvation – with them supervising the water and muscle loss part. kenyan runners

My second favorite and most diets/nutritionists are guilty of this one (the big lie): “if you follow this diet/program/health eating blah blah blah, you’ll feel full/satieted/not deprived content like a golden retriever on a goose down pillow petted by its owner next to the heater on a cold winter day. Bullshit. Anyone whos dieted any length of time (and if you’re one of those people who’s been struggling to lose just 5 pounds – i wish I could just reach through the screen and slap you – no, this is for those people who struggle with the BIG numbers) you know dieting is about, at some point, the deprived, angry, sad and hungry. The D.A.S.H. diet.

Here’s why. Three simple reasons. 1. If you have that much to lose you have broken you metabolism in some way and you need to fix it. In some way. 2. If you read enough, there is nothing healthy for you to eat. Processed food. No. This means nothing in a box, or can. Or with a label on it. Or in a bottle. Or jar. Essentially, nothing from an aisle in the grocery store. No salt. No sugar. No Carbohydrates. No Wheat (Gluten) No Meat (They have feelings,pain. Vegetables would be ok, but they have to be organic – no GMO’s. No corn – aflatoxins. Lots of mycotoxins in vegetables. No eggs – (cruelty to animals thing. What’s ok to eat – sawdust. Wood right off the tree is ok, if you have really good teeth, but crowns are expensive, so I recommend sawdust, and the tree huggers are a nasty bunch, so be careful there. 3. Considering the average adult only needs 1600 to 2000 calories a day, after you take into account 1 and 2, you need to restrict your calories severely to healthy options to actually lose weight. Regardless of the 35 diet programs you look at the US News site, this basically translates to one asparagus stick for breakfast, another asparagus stick for lunch (sub a brocoli floret or brussel sprout for variety as you may like) and then for dinner, 3 oz of protein. This consists of one chicken wing, or saying the word Salmon, or Steak very slowly in the mirror while licking your lips.

Here’s to healthy living.

Losing Weight Too Slowly? Frustrated? Track Your Weight Loss in Atoms

The girlfriend has been off the road for the last month, so among other things, the conversation has occasionally turned to our recent effort to eat healthier, exercise more and our efforts to lose the 1.4 pounds she is STRUGGLING to lose and the 83.4 pounds I’m skipping along losing. Specifically, I was commenting… ok, complaining…ok, whinging (one of my all time favorite British words), ok, whining that while I’ve lost 30 pounds since last June, it’s been at a rate of about 1/2 pound a week instead of the 2 pounds a week I was striving for.

“Count your loss in atoms”, she said. “That’s gotta be a million or billion a week”. So, if you’re struggling to lose those last few pounds, and just to let you know, it actually does feel better to say, if only to yourself, that “I lost 6,245,000 atoms of fat this week”, I thought Id show you the way. Now, I actually have no patience, interest, or desire to actually figure out how to do this, and much to my surprise, no science nerd on the entire internet has actually computed the amount of atoms in a pound of fat, which suggests to me that science nerds are doing more drinking and dating then we are led to believe, but that aside, they have left a trail of breadcrumbs, so for those of you handier with both a calculator and patience than I, here’s the path.

First, you must become familiar with “Avogadro’s number” and the “mole” which, if you have a weight problem, you probably LOVE Avocado’s and Mole sauce, especially Chicken Mole, but I regress. Actually Avogadro’s number and the concept of the “Mole” come from chemistry and give’s you some idea how to work your way into how many atoms in an amount of something, (which is an amazingly big number, which makes you feel extraordinarily great about teeny tiny amounts of weight loss, which is why we are here, right?) Here’s science nerd article no 1. http://education-portal.com/academy/lesson/avogardos-number-using-the-mole-to-count-atoms.html#lesson

Second, now that we know we actually have to convert that blob of fat into something representing an element on the periodic table, voila, your fat is actually 77% carbon atoms? Who Knew? http://mb-soft.com/public3/weight.html

Third, we now need to know how many atoms are in a gram of carbon atoms so here you go http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_many_atoms_of_carbon_are_in_10.0_grams_of_carbon?#slide=3

Annnd, lastly, there are 435 grams, (roughly) in one pound, so you multiply 435 times 5,133.7209 from step three to get 2,325,575.567 atoms in a pound of fat.

So, next time you’re out with your skinny bitch friend, and she smirks, “How’s that diet going, and you know you only lost 1/4 pound that week, and you almost slit your wrists on the scale last week, but the only thing that saved you was the finale of the Game on Thrones was on that night, you can look back at her and say, “I lost 581,393 atoms of fat last week”. And say it smugly. With Pride.