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Humor

Updates from Meetings with the Parole Officer Part 5

(If you’re new, Yes, this is the 5th in a series, but they all have different titles and there are two “Part Ii’s”. If you like puzzles, you’re off! If not Best clue- Part one is on August 11 2020)

My Registered Dietitian, or my Food Parole Officer, or FPO, said, How about try a smoothie – simple – frozen berries, banana, soy”. “Sounds great, I say, can you send me a recipe?”. “Sure, she says, turn on the microphone on your phone in your note taking app and I’ll dictate it.” Here’s what I got…. “OK you’re on one cup OK it’s got one cup berries berries cherries or blueberries cherries or blackberries and one frozen banana one cup one cup of soy milk she said it did it and then she erased it what else 1 tablespoon ground flaxseed. One tbls chia seed”.

Uh huh. Two suggestions when trying this dictation method. Both of you cannot talk at the same time. The microphone prints at a substantial delay from what it hears. Like you responding to your significant other.

“You should have a cooking show!”, she says. Yes! “Cooking with Guido!”, I shout. Imagine a cross between Tony Soprano and Joey from friends introducing you to Plant Based cooking. “Aaaaaaaaaaa (That’s a long “a” as in “Hey”, drawn out in a guttural tone. How youse doin. Tuhday, we makin like a Chinese stir fry. With veg only. Good fiber. And so now, I probably oughta mentions that this fixin your microbiome thing generates a lot of gas. I mean ALOT of gas. Like, Did your elderly Mom or Nona, when they would get up from the recliner, to go to the kitchen for some finnochio (fennel) have gas that sounded like a small hp Mercury motor boat motor that needed new spark plugs but kept chugging till they reached the fridge? Yeah, my mom did that. So, that kind of gas. Anyway, don’t go to church the first two weeks you eat plant based. Or sit near the organ where it’s really noisy. Oh yeah, so veg stir fry….” (More from Guidos cooking show in future blogs

Two weeks later the education chair from a professional association im in says “you should do a zoom cooking class.” “You have no idea,” I think.

FPO helped me create a new food rule. Unknowingly. Last week, I asked which would be better- a steak, braised beef ribs in the crockpot, or a crockpot pot roast. With a look of alarm like I just lit one of her pants leg on fire, she said, “Don’t grill- charring very bad! Charred fat very carcinogenic!!!!! So one of other two. Just as a condiment. And two cups greens or veg with that!”. (When I suggest food choices that are upsetting she talks to me like a three year old toddler. Which, considering some of my food choices, is probably appropriate.

Nutritional yeast. Every time I say the word cheese, she looks left, looks up, then says I should substitute either avocado, if the cheese is a mouth feel thing in the recipe, or nutritional yeast if it’s a cheese flavor thing. I found it in the store. I even reached for it. Doesn’t it sound like something you’d go to the pharmacy and ask the pharmacist, “Hey, I’ve got nutritional yeast. Do you have something over the counter I could try or do I need a scrip?” It took 7 months but I finally bought a container. It comes in a Parmesan cheese kind of container. Also scary. Anyway, tasted good. Who knew. Def needs a better name then I saw on TV they brew beer with it. Gotcha

Today I said I was craving a hot dog, so I took one out of the freezer, microwaved it, cut in in half and stuffed it in a half of a flax oat bran and whole wheat mini pita with relish, mustard and nutritional yeast. This time we skipped looking left. Or right. And went straight to, “I think she’s going to vomit”. “Do I need to buy you one of those cute emesis trays they give you in the hospital do when you talk to me, you can actually turn around and retch a bit”

“pitas?”, she said. Let me see the ingredients. Ok. I’ll read them to you

When I got to “Sodium Metablsulfite” ” I lowered my head and in a deep monotone said, “that doesn’t sound so good”

These FPO’s are crafty persuaders. Crafty I say.

Mmmmmm….mm. Steak. Grilled. Charred fat. At the butcher counter in Harris Teeter Grocery store two days later I asked for the biggest rib eye he had. 20 oz. 2 inches thick. Marble like white Christmas snow just falling. And it hit me. My new food cravings rule. If I think of a food choice I know is. It good for me I think “if you knew if you ate that you would die tomorrow, but if you don’t you’d live another year what would you do? I went outside, turn on the gas grill and waited for it to heat up….

I couldn’t think of a catchy name for this new rule. My best friend Chris suggested “willful morbidity” but it didn’t have the “cant forget charm” I was looking for. Who is gonna buy a wellness book called “willful morbidity”. Can you help me come up with a catch title for my rule?

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Humor

Plant Based Diet Conversion Aided by a Registered Dietitian PART II

October 10, 2020. The two month anniversary of my first appointment with my Registered Dietitian, who I now lovingly refer to a my “Food Parole Officer”. (She is, for the record, smart, good humored, supportive, non judgmental and full of good ideas). (I often wonder why it took me 63 years to hire one – but then I note with some amusement that our country that is 50% obese makes little use of the one science based medical provider that specializes in nutrition). Having bared all from the first two weeks of my journey here https://humorforthehorizontallychallenged.com/2020/08/30/moving-towards-a-plant-based-diet/ and here https://humorforthehorizontallychallenged.com/2020/08/30/moving-towards-a-plant-based-diet/ I thought I’d catch you up on the last six weeks.

Have you heard of the “gut microbiome”? If not, take quick peak at the 12,900,000 result of that term as a Google search and come back. Ok? Good? So you know your gut microbiome is integral to your immune system, weight, digestion, mental health, and probably every other system in your body. What you may not know is what it feels like to dramatically change your gut bacteria buddies by what you eat. I have now come to know and love them as a boisterous, loud, demanding, annoying, cantankerous bunch of terrorists. I mean friends

Within a couple of weeks I noticed my skin “youthened” (we have a word for aging – why not for getting younger?). My arms which long had dry skin had started developing the kinds of sores, marks, and coloration ive always associated with 90 ear old men. Or corpses. The dead kind Disappeared. All of it overnight. “Cool”, I thought. (Actually, it was more like “Holy Shit”!!!)

Likewise, “digestion”. Mine was already great but let’s just say I passed Jamie Lee Curtis on the activa yogurt track and left her standing still. Eat some oatmeal Jamie.

Swelling, bloating, inflammation gone. Almost overnight. Now, mind you, I’ve been crawling towards better health for a decade- quit smoking, diet sodas, took up regular exercise- but nothing compares to feeding your “good” bacteria buddies and starving the rest. If you’d like learn more in an easy approachable medical science based way, I reccomed the book Fiber Fueled https://theplantfedgut.com/book/

This really became apparent to me when I heard my dying sugar eating bacteria, say, in their best “Mr Bill voice” (for you missing this SNL reference see here https://youtu.be/ZgpEVzCUr3s) ….”Oh noooooo, we’re dying … need a doughnut, some cake, something…..oh noooooo. I felt a little sad for them really. Now I’m not “on a diet” so I’m not restricting myself from anything but these “good bacteria” are pretty sneaky in that they change your appetite, cravings, and desires. In 8 weeks, I’ve given them half a yellow cake with chocolate icing and 4 Apple fritters. I’m no monster. But they’re still crying.

Here’s the “icing on the cake”. Ok, maybe the nutritional yeast on the veggie burger. After a lifetime of being the poster child for “not a morning person”, I’m waking up earlier it’s more energy and less a desire to go back to sleep. I’m amazed

While on the one hand I’ve spent hours reading vegetarian vegan recipes, shopping for Asian and Indian spices and condiments, rearranging my pantry I’ve been surprised how much I’ve loved the veggie curries and stir fries I’ve learned to make. Like the one pan “basmati ice chickpea, cauliflower, spinach, green curry” casserole dump pictured above. I now consider myself a meat eater who identifies as a vegetarian. Think of it as I’m wearing the make up and clothes but am not getting the surgery.

There are some serious downsides. The good bacteria don’t like weekend binge drinking. Or French fries. Or tequila. We’re negotiating.

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Humor Uncategorized Weight Loss

D.A.S.H diet – Deprived, Angry, Sad and Hungry

(or Hopeless, Hostile, take your pick) I think all diets should be called the D.A.S.H. diet. I almost spit out my green kale beet asparagus sawdust juice cocktail when I saw this on the news and then googled it. http://health.usnews.com/best-diet The acronym D.A.S.H really stands for 1. Don’t Ask for Sugar, Honey. 2. Dietary Approaches to Stop Hypertension 3. Dying a Slow Hunger 4. Dieting – A Sad Hopelesness.

A quick google search shows that the reason the US News does this every year is that ALMOST as often, the NY times does an article on “what percentage of people gain the weight they lost BACK? 90% That’s NINETY PERCENT. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/27/health/biological-changes-thwart-weight-loss-efforts-study-finds.html

“See the top 35 diets”. “Best Diabetes Diets” “Best Weight Loss Diets” “Best Diets Overall” “Best Heart health Diets” “Best health Eating Diets” “Best Diets for Healthy Eating” “Easiest Diets to Follow” “Best Plant Based Diets” “Easiest Diets to Follow” “Best Jewish Diets” “Best Pet Lovers Diets” “Best Online Dating Diets” “Best No Exercise Diets” “Best Cross Fit Then Throw Up Diets” What is this, the Oscars? Can you tell in that list where I veered off from the actual list on the US News site into satire? If any of these REALLY worked, would we need 35 of them? Weight Watchers, one of the oldest of the group, ranked quite high. Watch the weight come off, then watch it come right back on.

The longer I work to try to be/eat/live a healthy lifestyle, the funnier I find all of it, and the more absurd all of it is. I fully expect, should I ever reach my weight loss goal, to get run over by a bus, that day or shortly thereafter, as some kind of cosmic punchline. There are no shortage of absurdities I hear everyday associated with healthly living. “If you don’t eat enough, your body will think you’re starving, and you’ll (pick one) 1. retain weight 2 hold on to weight 3 need to eat even less calories to lose weight 4. lose muscle. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH No. If you starve – you’ll lose weight – fat (and fast) – till you’ve lost all of that, and then you’ll lose muscle. Bariatric Surgery – medically supervised starvation – with them supervising the water and muscle loss part. kenyan runners

My second favorite and most diets/nutritionists are guilty of this one (the big lie): “if you follow this diet/program/health eating blah blah blah, you’ll feel full/satieted/not deprived content like a golden retriever on a goose down pillow petted by its owner next to the heater on a cold winter day. Bullshit. Anyone whos dieted any length of time (and if you’re one of those people who’s been struggling to lose just 5 pounds – i wish I could just reach through the screen and slap you – no, this is for those people who struggle with the BIG numbers) you know dieting is about, at some point, the deprived, angry, sad and hungry. The D.A.S.H. diet.

Here’s why. Three simple reasons. 1. If you have that much to lose you have broken you metabolism in some way and you need to fix it. In some way. 2. If you read enough, there is nothing healthy for you to eat. Processed food. No. This means nothing in a box, or can. Or with a label on it. Or in a bottle. Or jar. Essentially, nothing from an aisle in the grocery store. No salt. No sugar. No Carbohydrates. No Wheat (Gluten) No Meat (They have feelings,pain. Vegetables would be ok, but they have to be organic – no GMO’s. No corn – aflatoxins. Lots of mycotoxins in vegetables. No eggs – (cruelty to animals thing. What’s ok to eat – sawdust. Wood right off the tree is ok, if you have really good teeth, but crowns are expensive, so I recommend sawdust, and the tree huggers are a nasty bunch, so be careful there. 3. Considering the average adult only needs 1600 to 2000 calories a day, after you take into account 1 and 2, you need to restrict your calories severely to healthy options to actually lose weight. Regardless of the 35 diet programs you look at the US News site, this basically translates to one asparagus stick for breakfast, another asparagus stick for lunch (sub a brocoli floret or brussel sprout for variety as you may like) and then for dinner, 3 oz of protein. This consists of one chicken wing, or saying the word Salmon, or Steak very slowly in the mirror while licking your lips.

Here’s to healthy living.

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Humor Weight Loss

Losing Weight Too Slowly? Frustrated? Track Your Weight Loss in Atoms

The girlfriend has been off the road for the last month, so among other things, the conversation has occasionally turned to our recent effort to eat healthier, exercise more and our efforts to lose the 1.4 pounds she is STRUGGLING to lose and the 83.4 pounds I’m skipping along losing. Specifically, I was commenting… ok, complaining…ok, whinging (one of my all time favorite British words), ok, whining that while I’ve lost 30 pounds since last June, it’s been at a rate of about 1/2 pound a week instead of the 2 pounds a week I was striving for.

“Count your loss in atoms”, she said. “That’s gotta be a million or billion a week”. So, if you’re struggling to lose those last few pounds, and just to let you know, it actually does feel better to say, if only to yourself, that “I lost 6,245,000 atoms of fat this week”, I thought Id show you the way. Now, I actually have no patience, interest, or desire to actually figure out how to do this, and much to my surprise, no science nerd on the entire internet has actually computed the amount of atoms in a pound of fat, which suggests to me that science nerds are doing more drinking and dating then we are led to believe, but that aside, they have left a trail of breadcrumbs, so for those of you handier with both a calculator and patience than I, here’s the path.

First, you must become familiar with “Avogadro’s number” and the “mole” which, if you have a weight problem, you probably LOVE Avocado’s and Mole sauce, especially Chicken Mole, but I regress. Actually Avogadro’s number and the concept of the “Mole” come from chemistry and give’s you some idea how to work your way into how many atoms in an amount of something, (which is an amazingly big number, which makes you feel extraordinarily great about teeny tiny amounts of weight loss, which is why we are here, right?) Here’s science nerd article no 1. http://education-portal.com/academy/lesson/avogardos-number-using-the-mole-to-count-atoms.html#lesson

Second, now that we know we actually have to convert that blob of fat into something representing an element on the periodic table, voila, your fat is actually 77% carbon atoms? Who Knew? http://mb-soft.com/public3/weight.html

Third, we now need to know how many atoms are in a gram of carbon atoms so here you go http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_many_atoms_of_carbon_are_in_10.0_grams_of_carbon?#slide=3

Annnd, lastly, there are 435 grams, (roughly) in one pound, so you multiply 435 times 5,133.7209 from step three to get 2,325,575.567 atoms in a pound of fat.

So, next time you’re out with your skinny bitch friend, and she smirks, “How’s that diet going, and you know you only lost 1/4 pound that week, and you almost slit your wrists on the scale last week, but the only thing that saved you was the finale of the Game on Thrones was on that night, you can look back at her and say, “I lost 581,393 atoms of fat last week”. And say it smugly. With Pride.