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Humor Zumba

Zumba Class and the Belly Scarf

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The alpha dogs in class wear these to Zumba. Frankly, I think they’re silly but then I’m a fat guy who smokes and occasionally drinks too much and goes to Zumba class so whadda I know. Besides, I’m a firm believer in “whatever cranks your tractor” is ok, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else and it takes a lot of colors to make a rainbow. But I had wondered if these belly scarfs had any other cultural or anthropological significance, but hadn’t found out yet cuz none of the alphas ever talked to me.

Well, once, alpha no 2 spoke to me, but I kinda thought it was in that “survivor island kinda way, while she was deciding whether to inflict a large number of small bites in my skin leaving me bleeding to death in the parking lot, or whether to let me live a few more weeks to see if I was of any interest to the pack.

Anyway, I must have passed, cause alpha number one strikes up a conversation today before class, when alpha number 2 comes up and says; “my other belly scarf wore out and I found a leopard print online I loved but didn’t get it, cause I need a consult”. Alpha no 1, taking the words right out of my mouth, says, “consult about what?” “About whether it’s too tacky?” she says? Then, my filter malfunctioned because I blurted out, “Girl, tacky left the station as soon as you started wearing those, if you’re gonna do it, get a reflective silver or gold one, with battery operated lights. Go big or go home, girl”. (In my defense, it was 8:55 am and I wasn’t fully caffeinated yet). I then asked what they were called so I could Google them and they said “Belly Scarf” asked if I was going to get one. I said yes. (I never said I would WEAR it)

They said http://www.bellyscarf.com was the best site. I’m not making this up, there is an entire site devoted to “belly scarfs”. So, I did some shopping, and thought I’d get some advice from my readers about which one would make my enormous ass look even more enormous and make me look even more ridiculous doing Zumba then I already do. First choice, camouflage: I think this is the clear “redneck-let’s do sum Zumba then go out and kill sumpthin” option…..

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Second choice: pirate skull: (the lets do some Zumba and go out and have a kegger – Hellz Yeah)

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It’s all about the hips. Belly dancing was introduced to the Americas at the 1893 Worlds Fair and “was nicknamed the “Hootchy-Kootchy” or “Hoochee-Coochie”, or the shimmy and shake. A short film, “Fatima’s Dance”, was widely distributed in the Nickelodeon theaters. It drew criticism for its “immodest” dancing, and was eventually censored. Belly dance drew men in droves to burlesque theaters, and to carnival and circus lots.” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Belly_dance. I saw the recent attraction to belly scarfs blamed on Shakira.
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(Sometimes. The imagination provides a better punch line than anything I could ever write). Which brings me to my recent plan, to share the “bad” news that I was frustrated by seeming inability separate my hips from my torso or legs in order to participate in these “hootchie cootchie” dance moves which are part of the Zumba Ritual. (Something about watching the blurred lines video with robin thicke and T I pharrell and just thinking “hootchie cootchie” makes me laugh. However, the really bad news is that in the last two classes, I am starting to move my hips and I got a quick glance of that in the mirror today and thought “ugly Santa meets magic mike the movie redone as horror/porn”.

Speaking of “Blurred Lines”, some may have seen my FB post where I had e mailed the Norse Goddess asking her to add it to her Zumba playlist and her telling me it was already in her “choreography to do list”. She had it today, the choreography was great (although I noted it was actually nothing oNne could actually do on a dance floor) and the class loved it. She graciously and unnecessarily gave me credit for suggesting it and I received an ovation. So, while I am still as spastic at Zumba as a diabetic at a Krispy Kreme Free Hot Donut Saturday Special; my status as the best bad influence remains intact.

I think Alpha no 2 should get this one: image

Categories
Humor Yoga

Yoga Fifth Anniversary Part I

Reflecting on my five-year anniversary of yoga classes coming up the end of next month, I noticed last week I attained a major milestone which, after five years of faithful class attendance and constant effort, I had not yet been able to attain.  Yes, that’s right.  After five full years of rarely ever missing a weekly class, last week, for the first time ever, I was able to, wait for it…. injure myself.  We were in Warrior One,  right foot forward, left foot back, leaning forward from the waist, and doing a hip opener on the left side,  Apparently I have finally accomplished the flexibility, strength and ability to breath through pain enough to pull/strain my back muscle on the lower left side.  (this is not exactly it, but will give you a general idea….)

I had been kinda hoping for a milestone like a head stand, or a graceful shoulder stand,  but hey, a milestone is a milestone.

They asked me in class the other day if I had any observations after five years of practice. I said I had no idea why the Bush administration risked such a public outcry over waterboarding terrorism suspects when there are thousands of yoga instructors in this country.  Wow, even after five years, at the end of 90 minutes, if they threatened to go on for another thirty, I’d give them my social security number, my bank account number and my ATM Card.  Another hour, I’d sell out my mother.  They could have taken those guys and put them with the right yoga teacher for 6 hours in pigeon or chair pose and they would have had Bin Laden’s address in 2002.  I suppose many yoga instructors would have a philosophical objection to “forcing” people to perform yoga poses to get information out of them but I’m sure the whole saving lives thing would get some past the moral dilemma.

As my five-year anniversary approaches, I had been thinking that with the material available to me after only 6 Zumba classes, that there was an unlimited well in five years of yoga classes.  For example, in part II,  how yoga has greatly improved my internal profanity.  See for example…pigeon.

“We all live in aYellow Submarine”