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Humor

Real Estate Listings for Sale

I recently got one of those emails from Amazon saying, “Can you answer this question from this member about this product you just bought”.  Usually I have no idea, but his one cracked me up, so I answered. 

The more I thought about the more I laughed so I posted it to Facebook. Later that day, a former neighbor turned realtor and I have this exchange.

I started thinking this might be a good part time job after retiring from practicing law – a “Real Estate Listings” writer on Fiverr.

“Ensuite bath consists of large soaker tub, sufficient to find even 20 minutes of blissful, quiet peace away from you ever complaining spouse, whiny kids and needy pets.  Also include large walk in shower with multiple heads and nozzles for those days when… well you know – cause who could actually get that dirty.  I mean like covered in mud dirty, not the “have a good time” dirty.  Guests children’s bath has ample shower, full size tub and single vanity with updated finishes but best of all, an updated ceiling bathroom fan that will eradicate the most offensive bomb your teenage son, (or daughter) can leave which normally assaults your senses as it wafts down the hall.  You’ll also save money on the doctors’ visits, thinking for sure, something has died in their colons.”

“Property is located in an upscale gated community where a well run and financed HOA takes great care of two pools, a beautiful clubhouse available for your parties, and gym. Property comes with tape measures to insure trash is exactly 18.5 inches from left corner of driveway, as your facing house, and exactly 6.3 inches from grass to bottom of trashcan lest you be aggravated by annoying letters from and HOA vice president who has nothing better to do that make your life a living hell and assess ridiculous fines you won’t pay.”

Property is located in a beautiful desirable neighborhood with a sought after school district. Previous owner has already litigated with existing neighbors distance of fence from property line, property line dispute, noise complaint, one law suit about a tree blocking the view, and an assault and battery civil suit involving an alleged altercation involving “you know who” for President Signs. Price includes transfer of law firm retainer and an introductory lunch with the lawyer for this property. (You’re always free to change lawyers.)

The photo of this yard truly does not give this oasis its due. Olympic size swimming pool with wave machine on one end, outdoor kitchen with grill, smoker, green egg, and one coupon for next years outdoor cooker trend; patio, pergola, kids jungle gym, with the trial lawyers seal of safety approval, a particular species of lawn grass imported from asia and genetically modified by Dupont Chemical to avoid any bugs, rot, browning, need of water, or care but is nonetheless compossible and recyclable and considered “green grass””.

“You will not believe the kitchen in the recently renovated and updated home. Brand new appliances, flooring as in rest of open concept home, two tone cabinets color coordinated by a color specialist who only provides opinions after drinking shroom tea and getting her fee in advance, open shelving, a VERY loooong island providing seating for 5 on one half (size does matter honey), double ovens, a 5 burner with grill gas stove, microwave and sink in island with touch operations faucets. You will be able to microwave take out food and leftovers to beat the band, and we guarantee you will never have kitchen envy for at least five years when watching HGTV”.

Any realtors out there? Can I make a side hustle doing this?

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Humor Uncategorized

So… You Want to Be a Blogger?

After I finished my last post on my one year anniversary of Zumba, I realized it was also my one year anniversary of.. Blogging. Realizing I had even less worthwhile expertise, knowledge and ability in blogging then I did in Zumba, I knew I just had to write about it. Since I’m an idiot, who writes, as compared to a “writer”, I begin with apologies to real “writers”. I know you’re out there, I’ve read your writing. I admire you and your writing. There is no advice for you here. Probably not even humor for you here, so “click on” lest your zeitgeist be offended.

My blogging began innocently enough. I went to a Zumba class, and came home and posted about it. After a bunch of likes and ha, ha, ha’s and a few, “you should write a blog”, I went to another Zumba class and wrote another post about it, and got some more, “you should write a blog”, so after some thought I did.

The reason I’m writing this blog, is that the experience of setting up, and figuring out the blogosphere has been one of the most mind numbing, confusing, unbelievable technological journeys of my life, so as an old, non techy person, I thought I’d pass on what I’ve learned.

1. Everyone will tell you its “easy”. They tell you the same thing about having a baby. They are liars. Its not. Its hard as hell. Find that IT Computer Expert Hacker Software Fix a Computer friend of yours who used to be a programmer at the NSA and taught all those machines to download all our cell phone stuff and spy on us. You know, the guy/gal who, with all their friends, are always showing off always talking in initials to each other. “Hey, hows the IPXN, going? “Aw, shit, I don’t know, my CXPY is just fried”. “Bahahaha, you can depend on that shitty hardware.” This goes on for half a page of posts until you feel like you flunked out of 3rd grade. Yeah, those guys/chicks. They can set up your blog page for you. You can’t. Also, there’s a gazillion choices of blogger places to choose from and once you get there, 4,795 different themes to pick out. Its mind numbing. Just mind numbing. Just on this wordpress.com site alone, they claim to be responsible for almost 20% of web traffic. Here’s a good article on 10 of the best free sites. http://www.digitaltrends.com/social-media/best-free-blogging-sites/#!GfeLA

2. But fear not, no one will actually read what you write. All that stuff you read about going viral, getting famous – yeah, right after the little old lady in Manhattan who played her Chinese fortune cookie numbers and won 5 million dollars and quit her job at the sewing factory and is moving to Paris with her lesbian lover, after buying her great grandchildren a new house. Yes, that happens, but not to you. Or me. Blogging is like disrobing in a crowded public place. Which, I agree, is frightening and humiliating. Until you realize everyone is walking by and not looking. Or caring. Or watching. Or even glancing.

3. Pay NO attention to your followers. Most of mine are people selling: diet schemes by mail; ways to get rich selling online ads, or how to sell diet schemes, or how to get rich doing nothing all day at home, or some of it really makes not sense at all “something or others”. WordPress also counts my entire Facebook friend count, since I post from Facebook. This does not require that anyone of my Facebook friends actually READS the blog. Based on some word of mouth feedback, and just some basic logical deduction, I’m guessing that my 743 followers listed by WordPress actually comes down to about 6 people who actually read my blog. Which is ok, but…. you get my drift.

4. So, think of blogging as a big, narcissistic diary, drawn on a fancy Louis the XVI Mirror, in cheap hooker lipstick, that everyone can read, but no one does. Which comes to think of it, if blogging actually gave us all a little humility, then maybe its a good thing after all.