Translating Dietitian-ese

Registered dietitians have their own language. Easier than Russian, harder than Spanish. Here’s some handy phrases you’ll find helpful:

“Sugar (oil, butter, etc) is calorically dense and nutritionally light”:

Translation: “OMG, OMG, OMG DON’T EAT THAT Spit it out. Spit it out. Spit it out!!!

“You know, studies show bacon and processed meats increase the risk of cardiac events by 50%”

Translation: “Jesus, I can literally see the bacon fat coursing through your veins getting ready to blow your carotid artery’s like striking a fresh oil well 100 years ago in Texas. Don’t you dare stroke out in my white chair”

“So, you bought the healthy version of “X”. Read me the ingredient label

Translation. “What the matter, you can’t pronounce monostearte polyglicerol albuetol, you dumbass! (the chemicals names have been changed to protect the innocent,. That chemical caused so many different cancer in rats, the researchers felt guilty and quit researching on the rats. But if you wanna poison yourself, ooookkkkk

“Could we substitute a better choice for those Krispy Kreme donuts before bed? Maybe some avocado toast?

Translation: “You have no idea how bad I want to reach over the desk and put my hands around your neck and choke you until I see the donuts in your eyes. Why don’t you just stab yourself with scissors. DONUTS. OMG. Disgusting. Do you know how many glasses of wine I drink at night from dealing with you?

Disclaimer. No actual registered dietitians were harmed during the writing of this blog and my actual FPO (Food Parole officer) is a walking compendium of nutrition science hidden in a good humored , therapists body with crazy listening skills and a never ending font of compassion.

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