Yoga Class Update: “Recruit Your Belly”

I’m in yoga class Thursday night, minding my own business, because 1, that’s kind of the mindful Zen point and 2, because due to work interfering with my regular life, this is my first yoga class in 11 days and my body feels like I’m completely starting over and I’m sweating out every toxin I didn’t even think I took into my body in 11 days, secretly trying not to wish for death in the first 30 minutes when Maria, the Yoga instructor, in walking us thru a pose says, “recruit your belly”. As anyone who has ever been in, around or heard of a yoga class knows, the mantra is “listen to your body” so this is what I heard.
Lower Belly: “toke, toke; shhh! Who is that!?!?!
Upper Belly: ” it’s the yoga instructor dude, put that out!! Shit!!! Hide the stuff.
Lower Belly: What does SHE want!!!
Upper Belly: I don’t know, man.
Maria: …..and recruit your lower belly……then….
Lower Belly: Recruit for what? Do we have any Doritos?
Upper Belly: No, dammit, we don’t have any Doritos. I haven’t seen a Doritos down here in 2 years. How would I know what she’s recruiting for, I try put my little belly mind somewhere else while we’re here. It’s too traumatic. It’s too early in class for boat pose.
Lower Belly: Do I get anything for signing up?
Brain: Hey, you fat ass slab of bacon down there! She wants you to constrict for as long as possible, until the point of exhaustion, preferably so that some of your fibers break down, and at least until you send me a sufficient amount of chemicals from the process that I register such a sufficient pain response so he gives up and so that when you heal over the next couple of days, you’ll be stronger, leaner and harder than ever.
Lower Belly: F*ck that. light that thing back up. And turn up that Jason Darulo, “Talk Dirty to Me”, You Tube Video, will you?
Maria: “And if your mind starts to wander, return to your breath and the intention you set at the beginning of class.” Really? Ohhhhh… Ok.
Om…… namaste ya’ll.