Humor Zumba

Zumba and diet tips; basal metabolism

In a tribute to BOTH modern journalism and diet books/articles this piece will be generally unrelated to the title, have a tangential relationship to the truth and be generally unhelpful. I do however, want to say that I am proud that several of my friends have told me that my blogs have motivated them to start “working on their fitness”. Bill, in Tennessee tried to join a Zumba class at a church but was turned away because it was for “only” women. Bill, you might try somewhere BESIDES Westboro Baptist. Amyway, I don’t know how much fun it would be dancing to the 10 best hate songs. Another said he actually took up a SPINNING CLASS!!!. (Wow, that seemed particularly suicidal to me, but OK) A third e mailed me and said she had taken a hour and read all my blogs and wanted to come to class. I admitted I was kind of proud, in a Kevorkian kind of way, but at the same time was a little happy to think I could watch someone else suffer like I did. Nah. She came to her first class, and half way through, WHILE SHE WAS STILL DANCING, lit up a cigarette, whipped out “50 Shades of Gray” and started reading. Nobody said a word. Nobody.
Anyway, She came to her third class Saturday morning. One of the alphas I really liked showed up after missing a couple of classes. I missed her and asked “where she’d been, Acapulco?” She said, “No, paddle boarding”. So, Sheniqua (not Pam’s real name) says, in an Olympic Athlete kinda way, ‘oh, I love paddle boarding.” So she and Sheniqua get all chatty about paddleboarding. Uh Huh. So I listened for awhile and said, “I like being paddled but you have to be wearing the right outfit”.
So, Sheniqua and I ended up in a discussion the other day before Zumba class of the effects of aging on the basal metabolic rate and its effect on weight loss. Thinking that this may have contributed somewhat to my frustrations in losing weight (I was wrong) I shared with her my recent, in depth scientific research, but explained it in my liberal arts, lawyer to juror fashion. She suggested inquiring blog minds would want to know. So, here you go.
Basal is an old Cyrillic word for ‘hamster’ and metabolism comes from the “French métabolisme, from Greek metabole “a change,” from metaballein “to change,” from meta- “over” (see meta-) + ballein “hamster wheel” (see ballistics). Meaning- “hamster over the hamster wheel”. So, our metabolisms are basically thousands of little hamsters in hamster wheels through out our bodies.
In our teens and twenties, they are young too, and they are running like hell. All the sugar, caffeine, fats, chemicals and actual speed (and other assorted drugs) are all treated as speed and they run even faster. While they tire out now and then like a little kid who despite the most placating grandparent just runs out of sugar once in awhile based on the laws of probability and child abuse. Until they reach 50. Since they “govern”the body, they’re union. So, at 50, they retire on a defined benefit, monthly stipend to drink umbrella drinks, never intending to run a lick in the wheel again.
Our job is to scare them into it. Asparagus will do it. Kale will do. They see Kale or asparagus coming by, they get back on the wheel. Tree Bark. Kimchi. Whole Foods. Earth Fare. Anything Organic. Zumba does it. It’s like the body declaring bankruptcy and they’re scared they could lose their pension AND lifetime health benefits that the liver, pancreas, heart and lungs can’t afford. (It’s hard to have a body that feels like Detroit). I wanna feel like Miami. Or maybe San Francisco. Ease into a Chicago in my old age. Gotta get them hamsters to get with it. And that my friends, is a very technical scientific explanation of basal metabolism in layman’s terms.
Next time, Zumba Back Row Etiquette and other Random Rants

2 replies on “Zumba and diet tips; basal metabolism”

Shinequa? Really??? Couldn’t you have come up with something sexy and exotic-sounding? Like maybe Fiona or Gwyneth or Carlita? Yeah, Carlita. On the other hand, Sheniqua sounds like enough of a badass she could force those hamsters to put down their umbrella drinks and get back on their wheels.
Can’t wait for Back Row Etiquette. Don’t forget to plug in the lights!

Bahahaha. You can pick your own pseudonym. Fiona and Carlita sounds good. Gwynyth? Really? Isn’t that that skinny bitch who named her kid Apple? Anywho, we can brainstorm on that on Wednesday. Glad u liked it.

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