Gluttony and Sloth (I try to stick to 500 words, so we’re taking some of these two at a time) Walking into Zumba Class 9 today and Dale, the instructor, says, ” I saw your last blog about not losing a pound and you WILL! You WILL!” (So far so good, I thought; this sounds encouraging) Then… “But you just have to change your eating habits; you can’t get a piece of pizza after class.” OMG! That’s it! The Higgs Boson particle of nutrition information I’ve been looking for/searching for in my quest. I’m guessing she means I should give up those triple banana splits from Baskin Robbins I eat for Breakfast every day? Or those buy one get one free Pizza’s from Pizza Hut for lunch? Or the 3 Big Mac’s followed by a dozen Krispy Kreme’s for dinner? I’d tell you what I really ate, but it isn’t funny, its’ just sad and boring. Juicing. Salads Veggies, Protein. I’ve even flirted with vegetarians but they seem to have either self-esteem issues (defending why they are vegan/vegetarian/pescatatorian )(I thought keeping up with Muslim religious sects was hard) or anger management issues (why meat eaters are disgusting foul creatures). (I was just looking for some recipes, honest). Anyway, all fat people are not suffering from gluttony and sloth. Now don’t get me wrong, I can “gluttony and sloth” with the best of them, and have in the past, (I did not get this size by accident, it took a tremendous amount of hard work. And French Food) But generally, when I’m in a five-year cycle of trying to lose weight, I try to concentrate on my other sins and addictions and leave the gluttony and sloth out of the equation.
Envy, Avarice and Wrath On the day my daughter was born, I will never forget marveling how her ass was so small it fit in the palm of my hand. I don’t know why that amazed me more than the size of her incredibly small fingers, or toes, or feet, but the fact that I could hold her there in the palm of my hand amazed me and does still to this day. I never thought I would see that again the rest of my life….until Zumba. There is a girl in class who, I swear, has an ass that would fit in the palm of my hand. She is lithe, agile, limber, graceful and does all the routines, steps and arm movements with grace, and perfect rhythm. I mention this, not with the least bit of sexual attraction; nay, it is pure envy, avarice and wrath and it because I want to club her like a baby seal.
Pride. Gem showed up for class today. Gem is Dale’s friend from Connecticut. He comes here a few times a year to help teach tango workshops. Gem has dark hair, dark eyes and a dark beard, and dances tango like the bastard child of Mikhail Baryshnikov and Fred Astaire. In warm ups for class, he can slightly bend one knee and while standing on one foot, do kicks, and ganchos, and swings with the other foot, then order out for coffee, all the while encouraging us to do these exercises at home because we need strength and balance to do tango, while we wobble, bobble, and all the blood drains from our faces. But, even Gem didn’t, let’s just say, look so fresh, in Zumba Class.
You’ll notice I left out Lust because I swear this was a Catholic Conspiracy and that Lust was originally in the Cardinal virtues. Well, it is for me. 😉
“We all live in yellow submarine”
Humor for the Horizontally ChallengedAll voodoo, is good voodoo.