Just home from Zumba class no 2. I was driving over thinking the second class had to be easier when I remembered my second colonoscopy this summer. At least I know what a fire hose with a Nikon professional paparazzi style camera and flash up my ass feels like so I won’t be surprised. But, there won’t be anesthesia. Walked in class. Nice lady who wasn’t there last time says, “first class”? I immediately try to decide what will be easier for me, tell the truth and have her astonished that no one can be that bad, even after two classes or lie, and get first Timer credit two classes in a row. I immediately think, “Mark Sanford got elected yesterday, I should lie”. “Yep, first timer”, I say. She says, “the trick is to bend your knees so you don’t hurt your knees or back”. I figure she works for the department of corrections and this is the advice she gives to newbies going into cells with lifers. “Bend your knees…..” Class begins. Minutes 0-10. OMG. I have depleted all the oxygen in my body. Already. Yes, I’m still breathing, but I can’t replace the oxygen going out fast enough. You’ve heard without enough oxygen to the brain, brain damage occurs rather quickly. It’s true, I recognized my own brain damage immediately. I thought what a traitor Governor Christie was. The last respectable fat guy we had – got lap band surgery. And lost 40 lbs before he fessed up. Bastard. Min 33. OMG. she’s playing ICE, ICE BABY. Holy shit, it’s on 78 Rpm. and she’s dancing that fast. We used to play regular records at 78 rpm and they sounded like the chipmunks. Im trying to dance at chipmunk speed. Min 40. Ok, I’m paying more attention to these hand movements this week. They kinda look more like those guys on the runways with the flashlights bringing in the planes to the gate – if they were really high and doin it to earth wind and fire played by a Latino band. Or, I can kinda see some priests I know saying mass, to Donna summer. This is some serious brain damage I’m thinking. The bend your knees lady came over to check on me. Really? Then, the song “get low” comes on by Flo Rida. A voice in my head says, “you got this”. I immediately recognize this as multiple personality disorder brought on by the brain damage. The OTHER voice says “you got what?”. I actually try to do the whole step it up, second wind, give it all I have thing. I’m clearly mentally Ill and should be committed. Min 48 Oh, it’s cool down song with the yoga moves I recognize,thank god. Class is over. I can’t wait for next week.
“We all live in a yellow submarine”
Copyrite Lawrence Laddaga 2013